


i like me better when i’m with you

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Fake Dating, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2020-09-06 04:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20285077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: He smirks at the utter inaccuracy of it all - that Alex would even consider going on a date with him is laughable in and of itself. Sure, Alex is amazing - she’s caring and friendly and kind and compassionate. Plus, she’s sodding gorgeous - but all that combined makes her painfully out of his league and it’d be downright stupid of anyone to think that Alex would willingly lie in bed next to him at night.Or is it?





	1. i like me better when i’m with you

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i’m back with another story!!! i have most of it written but i’m having a crazy hectic life right now, not sure when i’ll be able to post. but for now enjoy this chapter!  
thank you cassie for beta reading this story first!
> 
> Story title from ‘I Like Me Better’ by Lauv

He’s quite honestly a mess.

A month. A _ month? That _ was all it took for her to move on from two _ years’ _ worth of love and happiness? _ Really? _

Tossing his phone aside, he picks up an unopened can of beer - his third of the day - and cracks it open, taking a large gulp. He tries to rid his head of the article - but his mind strays to the picture of his once-girlfriend Jasmine and her new _ boyfriend, _ Richardson Dintworth. 

And _ really, _ someone with _ two _ last names?

He grumbles to himself, ignoring the familiar sting in his chest as he remembers the pictures, lips locked, arms entangled, passionate, desperate - _ primal_. 

It had been like that with him too, at the beginning. Frequent touches, mindless fucks every night - they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, until they suddenly could. 

He doesn’t know what happened exactly, but she was jealous and possessive - and _ not _ the sexy kind. She couldn’t stand the sight of him, but he clung onto her because she made him happy - they made each other happy. Didn’t they?

Apparently not, if she’s moved onto some gorgeous up-and-coming Hollywood director less than two months after their very public breakup.

It had happened literally _ in public. _It was a normal day, with them out and about, when he’d gotten a call for a role in a movie to be filmed in the UK. She’d protested him taking the role obnoxiously loud, reminding him that he’d promised to make himself available for her sister’s destination wedding in Venice, and he now wouldn’t be able to do so. They argued about it a little too excessively - there was even a 20 second clip of their argument on the Internet, with him protesting that he’d already given up one job this year for her, and her rolling her eyes and walking away from him.

The argument continued all the way to the car, finally ending when they reached their home.

“You _ never _ listen!” she shouted, slamming the car door shut with a lot more force than necessary. 

Matt laughed derisively. “I _ always _ listen, Jaz. Nothing is ever enough for you. You’re too bloody high maintenance and I’m so _ fucking _ tired of your shit.” 

“Oh, there you go again,” she snapped. She lowered her voice dramatically in a poor imitation of his voice. “I’m Matt Smith and I’m the most perfect man alive. I never make mistakes because I’m so fucking perfect!”

“I never said any of that!” he shouts, slightly bewildered. 

“You don’t have to!” she shouts back, brown hair whipping about her face as they battle the wind. “It’s always my fault, isn’t it? It’s always _ you’re being ridiculous _ or _ you’re too fucking jealous _ or _ you’re bloody high maintenance. _ Fucking sue me for wanting to be treated _ right, _Matthew!”

“Don’t you dare try to tell me about being treated _ right,_” he hisses, finally wrenching the door open and turning around to face her while she slams the door behind her. “Don’t you fucking _ dare _ tell me that I didn’t prioritise you! I refused jobs for you, rented this fucking house for you, and gave you everything you asked for and you _ still _ say that I didn’t treat you right.” 

She flinched at that.

“You used past tense,” she pointed out.

“So?” he snarled, still furious.

She pursed her lips and looked away.

“We’re over, aren’t we?” she asked.

For some reason, he couldn’t answer. She nodded, swallowing slightly. 

“I was waiting for you to propose. But that’s never going to happen, is it?” She let out a choked laugh even though there was nothing funny about the situation. “Fuck Matt, I really, _ really _ love you.” 

“I did too.” he said softly.

She flinched again at that, and he understood why this time. Past tense. 

“I want someone who needs me,” she began quietly. “I want someone who can’t sleep at night without holding me in their arms, someone who can’t stand the thought of spending a long time without me. Someone who needs me in their life, someone who feels like they’re missing a part of themselves when we’re apart. Someone who can’t function without me.”

Matt shook his head. “You want a doll, Jaz.”

“You don’t understand,” she whispered, shaking her head too. She grabbed her purse and fished her keys out, placing them back in the delicate china bowl she’d picked out. “You never will. Goodbye, Matt. I’ll send someone over to pick up my stuff.”

And before he could answer, she left. 

He tried everything - texting, calling, leaving voicemails - but once he read in the papers two days later that they’d broken up, he stopped. Jasmine would never tell anyone unless she really, truly thought they were over.

That didn’t mean that he wasn’t hurting. He did, at least at one point, love Jasmine. She’d made him laugh, held him when he cried, consoled him through his disappointments, made love to him when he needed. He’d spent two _ years _ with her. That isn’t something easily erased. Not for a few months, at the very least. 

_ Apparently not for Jasmine_, he thinks bitterly, taking another chug out of his can of beer. 

Just then, his phone beeps loudly, and he stretches down onto the ground to retrieve it from where he’d tossed it.

_ From: Laura _

_ Hey Matty, got your text about the Globes!!! Congrats! I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but Mum can’t make it for the show and neither can I. I’ve already postponed my checkup three times and Mum is coming with me since Michael is in Rome. And no, I won’t bring Dad instead and I won’t go alone either. Find yourself another date. _

_ Miss you loads! _

Oh God, the Globes. The Globes and the SAG Awards and the Oscars and the damn BAFTAs. 

He was supposed to go with Jasmine if he couldn’t go with his mum or sister. That’s what would’ve happened if they’d never broken up. They would show up and act just like the leads they played in the movie where they met - the movie that had started everything.

They filmed it two years ago, but it had only released about a year ago. That’s when it all started blowing up - the movie, their relationship.

But they aren’t together anymore. If she showed up alone, everything would be fine but now that the news of her and Richardson Dintworth was all over social media, he doubts that she’d even go to the mall alone. He supposes he could suck it up and go by himself but that would look so bloody pathetic if she shows up with Richardson and oh, God - _ what is he going to do? _

His phone starts ringing, startling him slightly.

“Hello?” he says, not even bothering to check the caller ID.

“Darling, where are you?” a voice from the other end of the line sounds. “I’ve been waiting half an hour at the cafe you suggested. The coffee is God awful, Matt, you owe me eight dollars. Honestly, I’d rather drink sewage water -”

“Oh, shit.”

“-and you’ve completely forgotten about today, haven’t you?”

“No - no, well I - I may have, a bit,” he rushes, his ears turning red from embarrassment and his stomach turning over in disappointment because he can’t _ believe _ he forgot about his day with Alex Kingston. “God, I’m so, so sorry, Alex, I’m such a bloody pillock -”

“Darling, if you have something on, it’s completely fine - we can reschedule -” 

“I don’t have anything on, Alex, I swear - I’m just - I’ve just - I’ve been so preoccupied and today _ completely _ slipped my mind, really. I’m so, so sorry,” he apologises again. “Please, don’t leave the cafe. Give me - give me half an hour, tops, and if I’m still not there by then you can do whatever you want to me when I _ do _ show up.”

“Naughty boy,” she whispers sultrily down the phone, laughing a little. “But really, are you sure you don’t want to do this another day?”

“Please, Alex, I’ve been looking forward to this for a week.” _ A month, _his heart whispers truthfully. “Come on, Kingston. Don’t go breakin’ my heart.”

“Oh, all right, Elton John,” she answers, and though he can tell that she’s rolling her eyes at him, he can’t help but grin stupidly. “I’ve got your heart in my sights.”

He hangs up and rushes to change quickly into a clean set of clothing, checking in the mirror for uneven stubble. He’s meeting Alex Kingston for the first time in God knows how long and he needs to look his absolute best. 

Oh, how he adores her. Her flirty nature, her caring presence, her work ethic, her brilliant advice - he could honestly say that he wouldn’t be where he is right now if it weren’t for Alex.

He needs to connect with her more. She was a treasured friend on Who and the subsequent years after, but recently they’ve seen less and less of each other. He plans to fix that, one way or another. 

Grinning at himself during final checks in the mirror, he starts towards the door with his keys in hand, ready to see Alex again. 

In the car, his mind wanders back to award season - should he just not attend? That would make people talk of course, especially since he’s nominated for one of the main awards, but at least they would say much nicer thing than if he showed up alone while Jasmine looked perfectly happy with her new beau.

Annoyed at the sudden turn of events, he parks the car on autopilot, entering the cafe with a sullen face as he searches over the crowd for Alex’s trademark blonde ringlets. 

It’s like taking in a breath of earthy, fresh air when he finally spots her in the corner. She hasn’t lost her hippy bohemian style, which he finds absolutely endearing. She’s wearing a plain white t-shirt tucked into a long, patterned skirt, her feet covered by strappy sandals. Her hair is up and a pair of sunglasses sit on top of her head.

She’s reading a book intently, focused solely on the page in front of her. Matt smirks to himself, taking the opportunity to sneak up on her - and he does so quite easily. 

“Kingston!” he yells excitedly, mouth right by her ear.

She jumps and yelps in surprise, turning to glare at him and hit him hard on the shoulder with her hardcover book.

“For God’s sake, Matt,” she snipes at him, but her anger turns to amusement rather quickly at the pleased look on his face. 

He takes the seat opposite her and beams at her, his heart warming at the equally bright smile he receives in return. 

“It’s so good to finally see you, darling,” she says, putting her book in the large bag she brought with her. “How’ve you been?”

“Oh, the usual,” he waves the question away, not wanting to admit that the entire reason he’d forgotten about their meeting was because he’d been moping around his apartment and reading articles about his ex-girlfriend. Instead, he asks her eagerly, “What about you? How’s the poppet? The house? And I heard you got that part in that BBC series, Alex, that’s fantastic! Congrats!”

“Thank you,” she says, a broad grin on her face as she laughs a little. “It’s been… really, _ really _ good. Salome’s schooling full-time in the UK now, and she’s settling in very well. The house is dreadfully empty without her, but I’m keeping myself busy. I’m taking a few more months off before moving back to the UK for the show and some plays in the West End. So yes, darling, it’s all going rather splendidly at the moment.”

“I’m so happy to hear that,” he says sincerely. “And hey, maybe we’ll be in the UK at the same time - my sister’s giving birth in five months and I’ve been threatened if I don’t show up to her baby shower.”

Alex’s eyes light up. “Laura’s _ pregnant? _ Oh, that’s fabulous, darling, congratulations! That’s so exciting!”

“It really is,” he agrees happily.

“And what about you?” she asks, after a brief pause.

“Really, Alex, nothing unusual at all.” 

Alex raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Salome sent me a video a few weeks ago,” she says slowly, as if worried that he’ll get angry suddenly and storm off. “You didn’t look okay in that video, Matt.”

Matt shrugs. “I wasn’t. But it’s over now.”

But the smile on Alex’s face is knowing and pitying all at once. “You’re a brilliant actor, Matt, but I’m afraid that you’re a rubbish liar. You’ve got no poker face.”

“Hey! My poker face is just _ fine, _ thank you!” he says indignantly, clearly offended. She raises her eyebrow even higher at that, and Matt deflates quickly under her knowing gaze. He runs his hand through his hair and sighs defeatedly, his leg bouncing irritably under the table. “It’s just - I really tried to make things work with Jasmine. She’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of having in a girl. But it’s just - it wasn’t enough. And it would be better if we were able to recover in private, you know? But I’ve got paps on my tail twenty-four seven - plus the fact that award season is coming up and I’m going to four of those blasted shows alone while _ she’s _ bound to go with Richardson Dintworth and obviously it’s going to be utterly _ pathetic _ for me. I’m sure the press will think up some lovely story about how sad it is that I’m still pining for her while she’s already moving on barely a month later - ”

“Aren’t you, though?” Alex asks quietly, as if the question wasn’t meant to be heard.

“What?” Matt asks, leaning forward so he can hear her even more clearly.

“Are you still pining for her?” Alex asks seriously, her gaze turning from amused to concerned in less than a second. 

“N-no, I mean, I - I don’t _ think _so,” Matt says uncertainly, and Alex’s expression doesn’t change. She doesn’t say anything in reply and he continues, struggling to put it in concise and accurate words. “I - it’s difficult. All breakups are difficult. And I know that - that at one point - I loved her. Losing that feeling and losing that person would make anyone sad, you know?”

“Do you want her back?” Alex asks.

Matt regards her thoughtfully. He hadn’t really thought about it - their breakup was quick, but if he was being honest with himself, it had been a long time coming. Jasmine and him - they just weren’t compatible any longer. Their entire falling out and the subsequent end of their relationship had been just out of reach for so long that when it finally happened, he didn’t have to work hard to accept that it was over. He skipped the first stage of grief - denial - and felt nothing but relief. 

“No,” he says firmly, making Alex raise both her eyebrows in surprise this time. “No, I don’t”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I just… I feel a little foolish,” he admits to her, looking down at the table and feeling mildly embarrassed that he’s telling her all of this. He’s barely seen her in more than a year and when he finally gets the chance to, the first thing he does is unload all of this rubbish on her.

But Alex looks so gentle, and she genuinely wants to help him, he can tell - that before he even knows it, he finds himself pouring his heart out to her like a patient in therapy.

“I invested a lot of effort in her - I really loved her once, Alex. And maybe - maybe somewhere along the way that changed and that’s fine - that’s a part of life and it happens sometimes. But seeing her every time I go on the net, snogging that guy’s face off for the entire world to see when we’ve only just split - it makes me question everything we had; how important I was to her. If I even mattered at all.”

Alex’s face softens and she takes his hand from across the table. He holds onto her gratefully, accepting the physical comfort she’s willing to provide.

“Oh, darling,” she sighs at him, but she doesn’t say anything else.

“I’ll be fine,” he assures her. “I just - God, I hate that I’ll have to show up to a bunch of shows alone while she’ll be with someone else.”

She gives him a pitying look. “When are the award shows?”

“In a month,” he says sullenly, sighing. “I know not going is also an option, but - ”

“But that would feel too much like she won,” Alex finishes for him.

He nods, appreciating how much Alex understood him and his situation. 

“You know,” she starts, perking up suddenly as an idea comes to her head. “If you want to, I could, you know, come with you - just as a friend, of course. If you don’t mind.”

Matt’s eyes light up automatically at the offer. “Could you? I mean - would you, please? If you’re not too busy, Kingston, honestly - ”

“Nonsense,” she says, a much brighter smile taking over her face at the chirpy change in Matt’s attitude. “I’ve got too much free time on my hands now that Salome’s off to school full-time, anyway. I was planning to spend two months just lazing about the house, but this is much better. Honestly.”

The grin on Matt’s face could rival the sun. “Brilliant. Thank you _ so much, _Kingston,” he says sincerely, giving her hand a grateful squeeze. “You’re a lifesaver, you are. Oh, and that means we can see each other more!”

“It does?” Alex asks in surprise, not having followed his train of thought. 

He looks at her like it should be obvious. “Of course! I’m buying you four new dresses, Kingston. Get ready to go shopping!”

“Darling, you don’t have to - ” she starts protesting immediately, shaking her head intently. 

“I won’t take no for an answer, Alex,” he says resolutely, giving her a look that tells her that there’s no point in arguing - his mind is made up, and nothing she can say or do will convince him enough to change it.

She sighs in defeat. “Fine,” she relents, and he gives her another ear-splitting grin. “But I’m picking the dresses out. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how you dressed when you were on Who.”

*

It’s only a few hours later, after an amazing day with Alex, does the idea hit him.

His phone chimes again and it’s a text from Alex this time.

_ From: The Kingston _

_ Thank you for the wonderful day, darling. I have missed your company. I saw this pop up on my screen a few minutes ago and thought it utterly hilarious. I can’t believe any of the absolute shit they write anymore, honestly. _

_ Anyway, text me about dress shopping. And have fun reading! _

_ Goodnight _

_ Xoxo Alex _

Grinning stupidly at his phone, he clicks on the link in the message and an article on a gossip site pops up. It’s followed by a picture of them enjoying each other’s company in the cafe, accompanied by a shot that is zoomed in on their tightly clasped hands. He skims the article and notes the usual things - the speculation of a budding romance, a completely false theory of some mystery feud going on between him and Jasmine; planting the seeds for Alex to be viewed as Matt’s rebound mistake that he’s bound to chuck in a month when he finally comes to his senses. 

He smirks at the utter _ inaccuracy _ of it all - that Alex would even _ consider _ going on a date with him is laughable in and of itself. Sure, Alex is amazing - she’s caring and friendly and kind and compassionate. Plus, she’s sodding gorgeous - but all that combined makes her painfully out of his league and it’d be downright stupid of anyone to think that Alex would willingly lie in bed next to him at night.

Or is it?

The next few outings of them looking for dresses would no doubt fuel the dating rumours even further. And once Alex showed up on his arm at every single one of the award ceremonies he’s attending this year - the sites would go crazy. The paps would have a field day.

And so would Jasmine. But that’s an added bonus. 

He tilts his head to the side and stares at the photo of him and Alex together. They look compatible. They’d make a marvellous couple on print, if he does say so himself. They look happy, faces lit up with joy and laughter, genuinely enjoying each other’s company.

It wouldn’t be too bad to just - add fuel to the fire a tiny little bit.

He thinks back to the start of his day, reading all about Jasmine and Richardson, all the bitterness and hurt burning a hole in his chest. Then he thinks about how he felt while talking to Alex - all that heavy load off his shoulders, the relief and the genuine _ happiness _ he felt at talking and laughing with her again after all this time.

His heart bursting with excitement at the idea but feeling a little trepidation at sharing it with Alex, he types out a reply to her:

_ To: The Kingston _

_ Kingston! Get your sneakers ready, we’re going dress shopping next week!!!! I’ve got a fantastic thing to share with you then!!!!! _

_ Get your beauty sleep _

_ Xoxo Matt _

He deliberately leaves out any mention of the article, and when he doesn’t receive a reply after five minutes, he shuts off his phone and turns to his apartment, scrutinising the mess that had accumulated over the past month.

Beer cans, pizza boxes, takeout boxes, and plastic utensils are littered all over the living room. He really hasn’t been looking after himself since the breakup, but now that he actually has something - or some_ one _ \- to look forward to, he feels energized - more than ever. He can’t wait for all the fun and laughter that hanging out with Alex is sure to bring.

He goes about the task of throwing everything into the trash can, tidying up the couch and changing the beer-stained covers of the cushions. He finds the energy to do some sweeping, wash the dishes in the sink and to take the trash out after everything.

Once he’s finally done, he looks over his near spotless apartment with satisfaction, and as he thinks of all the things to come, he can’t help but feel excitement brewing up inside him.

He smiles as he trudges up to bed, feeling exhausted physically. He jumps into the shower and brushes his teeth, and as he stares at his reflection in the mirror he’s struck by how _ happy _ he looks. That look on his face hasn’t appeared since before Jasmine broke up with him, and once again he finds himself relieved that it had finally happened.

Everything else - missing the sweet, intimate moments, the presence of a warm body in his bed, having someone to hold and someone to love - all of that is secondary compared to the relief of finally being free of a relationship that hadn’t been making him happy for more than half a year.

He settles himself in bed and, for the first time in many months, he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! don’t forget to leave a comment if you liked it! i might be persuaded to update more often if you do ;)


	2. the moment that you wonder far from me, i wanna feel you in my arms again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It got me thinking that - well, maybe - if it’s okay with you, of course - that we could maybe just - pretend?” he asks, feeling even more anxious by the second.
> 
> She frowns at him and tilts her head to the side. “I’m not following.”
> 
> “Well, I was just thinking,” he pauses to take a deep breath and gather up all of his courage. “Since - you know - we’ll be going dress shopping and you’ll be going to those award shows with me and all the other stuff - we’ll definitely get papped everywhere we go. It wouldn’t hurt to just - feed the rumour mill a little, would it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the comments!!! i’m so glad that you guys like this story. i worked really hard on it :)  
Chapter title from ‘How Deep Is Your Love’ by The Bee Gees

“Darling? What do you think?” 

It’s been almost four hours of dress shopping with Alex and though he completely adores the Kingston, he is completely bored out of his mind. He knows that Alex will probably end up wearing some floral thrift store dress anyway - frankly, he couldn’t care less, Alex could make a potato sack look good - but if he has to wait outside another changing room at another boutique another time he might honestly put his head through the nearest wall.

He looks up, ready to mindlessly agree to whatever she has on just so they can call it a day, when he catches sight of her. His mouth drops open in shock.

She looks  _ beautiful _ .

The dress she’s picked out is simple and elegant, but on her it looks like it had been tailor-made for royalty. She tucks her golden curls behind her ear and looks down at herself, tugging self-consciously on the satin fabric of the dress.

It's a little more modern than what she usually wears. The dress is black and off the shoulder, leaving her neck bare and giving Matt a lovely view of her ample cleavage. The fabric hugs her curves perfectly, showing off her beautiful figure, and the high slit in the skirt is definitely a plus. 

This is  _ definitely _ Matt's favourite dress. 

"Well?" she asks again expectantly, and Matt has to force himself to snap out of it, clearing his throat awkwardly. 

"It's - uh - it's very nice," he says, sounding a little hoarse. He clears his throat again and hopes Alex doesn't notice the difference. "Really,  _ really  _ nice."

"Are you sure?" Alex asks, looking down at herself again, then turning around to face the floor length mirror. "You don't think it's too - I don't know -  _ young _ ?" 

Matt looks over her again, his mouth completely dry, his eyes raking over her arse and legs. She clears her throat and he looks up to catch her eye in the mirror, his face turning red from being caught checking her out. 

"It's definitely not too young, Kingston," he manages to reply without stuttering.

She turns back to her reflection. "Clearly not," she mutters, a small smirk on her face. 

"That dress looks smashing on you," he says, getting up to stand beside her in the mirror. He puts an arm around her waist and smiles at their reflections - no matter how they silly they look - him in a tshirt and jeans, her in an evening dress - they do fit together. "I'd be very disappointed if you don't get it."

"Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to buy my dress someplace cheaper?" she leans in to whisper softly up at him, and he turns to her with an indignant look on his face.

"If I don't see you wearing that exact dress on the red carpet I shall die of heartbreak," he declares dramatically, giving her such an exaggerated look of sadness that it makes her erupt with laughter. 

"Oh, alright," she says, shoving him playfully. "I suppose I've subjected you to enough torture today."

"Never torture with you, Kingston" he says happily.

They end up leaving the shop with the dress, chatting merrily as they walk down the street towards a restaurant for dinner. Matt still hasn't told her about his idea yet, and he's hoping she'll be receptive to it, though there really isn't any way to tell beforehand how it goes. He just really hopes she'll agree - or at the very least, politely decline, and not smack him in the face and storm away in anger. 

They sit at a quiet corner, a suitable distance away from the other patrons in the restaurant so he won't have to worry about being overheard by anybody. 

"My feet are aching," she complains, sighing in relief when she settles down in the chair. "That's much better."

"Who asked you to spend  _ four hours _ choosing  _ one _ dress?" he quips smartly, earning him a rather painful kick from under the table. "And to think, there are  _ three _ more dresses we need to buy."

"You weren't exactly  _ helpful _ !" she says defensively, though the smile on her face lets him know that she's aware he's just joking. "Just for that, I'll take extra care to make our other shopping trips  _ agonisingly _ long, Matthew."

He chucks a piece of bread that he's been munching on at her; she catches it easily and pops it into her mouth with a saucy wink. 

They go about ordering dinner and drinks, and once the waiter is done pouring their wine, Matt decides that it's finally time to clue her in on everything.

"So… do you remember that article you sent me? The one that had a picture of us at that cafe we last met at?" he asks.

"Definitely," she answers, sipping her wine with an amused smile on her face. "Hilarious, wasn't it?"

"Actually, it sort of gave me an idea," he says tentatively, watching her reaction carefully. 

She raises an eyebrow in interest. "Oh?"

“It got me thinking that - well, maybe - if it’s okay with you, of course - that we could maybe just -  _ pretend _ ?” he asks, feeling even more anxious by the second.

She frowns at him and tilts her head to the side. “I’m not following.”

“Well, I was just thinking,” he pauses to take a deep breath and gather up all of his courage. “Since - you know - we’ll be going dress shopping and you’ll be going to those award shows with me and all the other stuff - we’ll definitely get papped everywhere we go. It wouldn’t hurt to just - feed the rumour mill a little, would it?”

“Matt, are you seriously suggesting that we - ” Alex starts, eyes wide.

“Alex Kingston, will you please be my fake girlfriend for the next two months, until award season is over?” Matt asks, bracing himself for a rejection. 

“I’m - I’m just very confused,” she says, and when the disappointment on his face shows she quickly follows it up with: “I’m not saying no - well, I’m not saying yes either - I’m just -  _ why _ ?”

Matt looks down at his hands, fingers fiddling with each other restlessly. “I guess, some part of me - I’m just being selfish,” he admits. Alex’s eyebrows furrow slightly at him. He sighs heavily and continues, “And very, very proud. It just - it really hurt to see pictures of Jaz everywhere, you know, when so little time has passed since we ended things. And I - I can’t help but feel so bloody stupid and pathetic, because it seems like I hardly mattered to her and she mattered a lot to me, you know? And I guess - I mean, we’ve acted as a couple before, and you make everything easier, so I thought - but nevermind that, it was a stupid idea anyway. Forget I ever mentioned anything,” he mutters, looking down at his hands again. 

The silence between them stretches for a while, and Matt is on the verge of apologising again even more profusely when she finally answers.

“I’ll do it,” she says softly, and he looks at her in shock. She lifts her head to look him in the eye. “I know what it’s like to feel pathetic and worthless, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone - least of all you, Matt.”

“I - really?” he asks. Even though he’d ardently hoped for her to agree, he hadn’t quite expected her to do so - he’d been banking on needing a lot more convincing on her part.

She smiles at him. “Yes,” she says, and he beams at her. “Though I do think we should set up some rules for this  _ relationship _ .” She uses air quotes around the word.

“Like?”

“If we want to make this work, we can’t tell anyone. Not parents, not siblings - ”

“Not daughters,” Matt points out. 

“Not daughters,” Alex agrees, nodding. 

“Are you quite sure you’ll be able to lie to Salome for that long?” he asks uncertainly. “I mean - I feel really bad forcing you to and - won’t you feel - I don’t know - guilty, or something?”

“It’s a lot easier now that she’s in college,” she says, though she looks conflicted at the thought. “Besides, it’ll only be for a couple months. It’ll be over before she even realises anything’s happened. Hopefully.”

Matt nods, deciding not to question her.

“And are you - are you okay with - um - touching, a-and kissing?” he asks awkwardly, his eyes averting uncomfortably to the side as he scratches his cheek. 

She grins at him. He can be quite adorable sometimes. 

“I’m sure you’ll make it  _ very _ enjoyable, darling.” She winks at him and he grins back, the awkwardness fading away quickly with her flirting. 

“I’ll definitely try my best for you,” he flirts back, and she chuckles lowly as she picks up her glass and takes a sip of wine. He watches carefully, his heart suddenly filled with a kind of nervous energy he always feels before a live performance. “God, are we completely mental to be doing this?”

Alex’s glass hits the table with a small  _ clink _ , her lips spreading into an excited smirk.

“Oh darling, the best things are.”

They spend the rest of the dinner revising a tentative set of rules to follow in lieu of their ‘relationship’. Matt had even gotten his phone out and typed it all up neatly, sending a copy to Alex for her to save as well:

_ Rules _

  * __Tell __NO ONE__
  * _Kissing is only permitted when paps are around_
  * _Holding hands is permitted and very good :)_
  * _Nose bops are good but only a little bit because it annoys Alex :(_
  * _Light groping is only allowed at the actual award shows unless otherwise stated :(_
  * _No seeing other people during this time_
  * _Pet names are allowed, but Matt is not allowed to make up his own :(_
  * _This will only last until the end of award season, or a little bit after that (date to be determined)_

Both of them are satisfied with what they’ve come up with, though they promise to tell each other as soon as possible if they come up with any other rules.

They walk out of the restaurant hand-in-hand, laughing giddily and standing too close to each other for it to be considered purely friendly. Matt looks down at Alex and grins at her as she hugs his arm and leans her head on his shoulder. They’re being followed by the paparazzi - they’ve been following both of them for almost the entire day, and it would be quite stupid not to take advantage of the incessant photographers. 

Matt squeezes Alex’s hand slightly, calming her nerves a little as he walks her to her home. They’d agrees over dinner that he was going to drop her off and kiss her goodnight at her door. He knows that now that it’s actually happening, Alex must be experiencing some kind of reluctance and hesitation at actually going through with it. 

Shooting her an assuring smile, he leans in close to her ear, as if to whisper a loving secret.

“It’s okay, you know,” he says softly into her ear, his lips brushing against her earlobe. “We don’t have to do anything now, or ever, if you feel uncomfortable with it.”

He lingers a little longer, turning his head to block the paps’ view and making it look like he’s pressing a kiss to her neck. He inhales her perfume, and for some reason his heartbeat doubles at the welcoming scent.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” she says quickly, eyes wide as though imploring him to understand. “It’s just - I guess it feels really new to me.”

“Hey,” he says softly, tucking a curl behind her ear. “It’s just me, Kingston. it’s clumsy Matt from Who, the one who spilled tea down your shirt that first day. It’s just like acting, in front of all those cameras.”

“I suppose you’re right,” she says, nodding her head and feeling slightly better.

“‘Course I am. Never wrong, am I?” he says, taking her hand and continuing down the street again. “But seriously, Alex, if you don’t want to do this - ”

“I promised you, didn’t I?” Alex says, squeezing his hand lightly. “I’m not breaking it.”

“All the same, Kingston,” he says.

She nods in acknowledgement. “Alright. I’ll keep it in mind.”

They continue walking in silence, hands still clasped tightly together. He sees Alex keep shooting him loving glances out of the corner of his eye and it makes his mind wander and his heart race. She really is a fantastic actor.

He does his best to reciprocate the looks and finds that it isn’t difficult at all for him to pretend. He’s always been in awe of Alex - it’s unnervingly easy for him to smile at her lovingly and look at her like she’d hung the moon and dedicated it to him.

She turns and accidentally catches his eye while she’s giving him one of those looks. She looks a little surprised at his expression but thankfully recovers quickly, giving him a soft smile in return.

“We’re here,” she says to him quietly, her steps slowing to a stop in front of her LA home.

“Thank you,” he says again, seriously. “For everything, Kingston. Really.”

She grins wider up at him and steps closer, pressing her body into his. “No going back now.”

He leans in closer, eyes flickering down to her lips. The last time they’d done this was over four years ago now. Time does fly by fast, doesn’t it?

“Last chance, Alex,” he whispers, his lips merely a breath away from hers now.

She takes the last plunge, pressing her lips to his and kissing him sweetly, her arms wrapping around his neck slowly. He lets a small moan escape as he deepens the kiss, vaguely aware of the fact that this is the first time they’re doing this without a director telling them to  _ place their hand there _ or  _ tilt their head the other way _ . Alex responds to his kiss enthusiastically, accepting his tongue into her mouth. He cups her face gently, stroking his fingers over her skin.

They’re both breathless when they break away from each other. Matt’s mind is shrouded in a haze for the briefest moment before his vision clears and he sees Alex, still a mere breath away, beaming up at him happily.

“Definitely worth my while, Mr. Smith,” she says breathily, and something in him  _ wants _ .

“I’m glad, Ms. Kingston,” he breathes back. He leans forward to press a chaste kiss to her lips before pulling away fully, brushing her hair away from her face. “Have a wonderful night.”

She steps away from him, smiling uncharacteristically shyly, and he loves how well she plays her part. 

“You too, darling,” she says, waving goodbye and blowing a kiss at him.

He winks at her and watches as she enters her house, waiting until she shuts the door before he turns to leave, catching a brief glimpse of the paparazzi’s shocked faces and trying hard to fight a smirk from blooming onto his face.

The plan is well underway.

*

He finds his heart beating quickly all the way home and figures that it’s just how his body reacts to being kissed by Alex. It used to happen every time they had a kissing scene together on Who; his heart would flutter after each take, and at the end of the day it would take a whole fifteen minutes for his pulse to go back to its normal rate.

That kiss sure had been something else, though. 

He can’t describe how it had felt. Though it was certainly pleasant and enjoyable, something tugged at his gut - something he can’t quite place. It feels like it’s something  _ just _ out of reach, right on the tip of his tongue - but frustratingly, he can’t put a name to it.

The feeling of her lips on his made his lips tingle the entire way home. It must just be the excitement, he tells himself, of everything they’re doing and the risk of being found out by the press or anyone else.

But it feels like a lie to himself, though he has no idea why.

He thinks of the taste of her mouth and the slide of her lips and the feel of her hands on his neck - so natural, so fitting. He finds himself thinking about how he’d kiss her in the future - of different ways to make it exciting for her.

That’s completely normal though, isn’t it?

A second later, his phone starts to ring - speak of the devil.

“Hello, darling.”

“Hi, Alex.”

“There are at least four articles up already,” she says happily, and he can picture her grinning on the other end of the line. 

“What? Already?” He laughs. “That was quick, even for them.”

“When your life revolves around what’s going on in everyone else’s, I guess there isn’t much to do,” Alex says idly. “Excellent acting tonight, darling. I was thoroughly impressed.”

Acting?

Right, acting.

“I could say the same for you, Alex,” he says. “I like that you lingered a bit after the kiss.”

She laughs. “I’ll keep that in mind for you.”

He grins into his phone. “I do hope so.”

“So,” she sighs a little, “what’s our next plan of action?”

“I guess we should go out on dates more, besides the dress shopping,” Matt says thoughtfully. “Anything you’d want to do?”

There’s a brief pause on the other end.

“You do know that we could just go for dinners together, right? It doesn’t have to be an  _ actual _ pre-planned date or anything like that?” she asks.

Matt turns red at the implication.

“No, no, of course,” he stammers, though for some reason he feels slightly disappointed at the reminder that none of this is real. “It’s just - it’ll be really  _ boring _ to just go on dates in a restaurant, won’t it? We should have a little fun with it.”

“I don’t know…” Alex says, unsure.

He pouts. “Oh come on, Kingston, where’s your sense of adventure?”

“Probably died when I turned 50,” she says dryly.

“Rubbish!” He brushes off the self-deprecating remark. “If it really had, then you wouldn’t have agreed to this in the first place. Come on, Kingston, got any ideas?”

“I suppose… I’ve always wanted to go on a picnic date,” she says thoughtfully, as though embarrassed at the admission. 

“Now we’re talking!” he says enthusiastically. “Picnic date it is, Kingston!”

“Really?” she asks hopefully.

“Of course!” he says, then he asks eagerly, “Now what else would you like to do?”

“Oh, I don’t know… we could just walk around in the park or something,” she suggests.

“That is the most boring-est idea you could’ve ever come up with, Kingston,” Matt says. 

“Hey! I’m  _ trying _ here!” she says defensively. “What are  _ your  _ brilliant ideas, then?”

“We could go the beach, or to the theatre, or to a party - come to think of it, I’m sure I’ve got some invites that I haven’t replied to - ”

“A party honestly isn’t really my scene, darling,” she starts reluctantly.

“No?” He asks.

“It’s just - parties are for young people to go out and have fun,” she says. “I’m afraid my party days are long gone.”

“Well, how about this - we’ll go for just a little while, act like we’re so caught up in each other, and leave early and get papped on the way out?” he suggests, more and more excitement seeping into his voice with every word. “You won’t even have to dance or drink or do anything you don’t want to, promise.”

Alex laughs in his ear. “I suppose I could live with that.”

“Excellent, Kingston. And we’ll still be dress shopping and - oh, would you like to come with me for my tux fitting?” he asks.

“Sure, when is it?”

“It’s in two weeks,” he says, checking his calendar. “I think we can fit in dress shopping for one dress that day, too.”

“While you’re being fitted four tuxes? I don’t think so, darling,” she laughs doubtfully.

“Yeah, you’re right,” he says regretfully, before he brightens up again. “Guess that means more time spent with me, Kingston.”

“You sound much too excited. You’ll probably be bored of me after date three,” she says teasingly, though there’s a note of seriousness in her voice that he doesn’t miss. 

“Nonsense!” he says immediately. “I would never, sweetheart.”

The endearment had slipped out so naturally, he almost didn’t catch it.

“Getting into character already, are we?” she teases, and he fights a blush rising in his cheeks -  _ why _ had it felt so familiar for him to call her that? He’d only ever called his  _ real _ girlfriends sweetheart, and even then it had been a conscious decision. 

“Gotta start early, Kingston. Better get used to it,” he manages to flirt back without sounding too taken aback with himself. 

She laughs, and he smiles at the sound. 

“I don’t think I can,” she admits. He rakes his fingers through his hair, mind still racing -  _ What? Why? How?  _ He’s feeling much too excited to be going on dates with Alex - even if they’re fake ones. What in the world is happening to him? “Darling, I need to go to bed now.”

“Oh, right.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“You will?” His disappointment lifts immediately and he can  _ feel _ his mind putting two and two together, but he can’t  _ do _ this right now, with Alex just on the phone. “I mean - uh, yes, Kingston. I’d like that. Goodnight,  _ sweetheart _ .”

She laughs in delight. “Goodnight, darling.”

He hangs up and he tells himself not to think about it. But the more he forces himself not to, the more he does end up thinking about it - thinking about  _ her _ .

He thinks about their kiss outside her house as he showers. He thinks about her smile and her laugh as he brushes his teeth. He thinks about calling her  _ sweetheart _ and a myriad of other terms of endearment, each one cornier than the next. He thinks about their dates to come, acting like a couple but not actually being one, and as he settles down an exciting and terrifying realisation in equal measure occurs to him.

_ He wants it to be. _

God, he  _ wants  _ it to be real. He’s wanted it, all along and he’s only just figuring it out because he’s a giant idiot. He has  _ real _ feelings for Alex - ones that aren’t merely friendly in the slightest -  _ romantic _ inclinations and desires towards her.

And - oh God, what has he done? He’s thrown himself into a situation where he’ll have to  _ be  _ with Alex. He’ll kiss her and gaze at her lovingly and hold her tight - and he’ll receive all of that in return, but it won’t  _ mean _ anything. It’ll all be acting, and he’ll fall even deeper only to have it be ripped away from him once award season ends. Whose stupid idea was that?

Oh, right. His. 

He sighs, shutting his eyes and clasping a hand to his forehead. Why had it taken so long for him to realise he felt this way? How  _ long _ had he been feeling like this? After Jasmine?  _ Before _ Jasmine? After Who?

He has no idea. All he knows is that this is how he feels  _ now _ , and the more time he spends with her, the more he’ll feel. The more he’ll  _ want _ . 

And Alex would never even glance at him. She deserves so much better than what he can offer her.

This is so, so bad. How can he be expected to get through this without being hurt? Without spending the entire time pining after her like a bloody fool?

It’s just two months, he tells himself. He can do two months. It’s not like it’ll be any  _ real _ work, pretending to fall in love with Alex. And maybe he can use this time to treat Alex how he would’ve treated her had this entire situation been real. Maybe he’ll be able to make  _ Alex _ realise, too.

As he turns over in his bed, heart still beating hard against his chest at the thoughts racing through his head, he lets himself briefly imagine what it would be like to really, truly  _ have _ Alex Kingston. They would be absolutely glorious together, he knows. 

As he starts drifting off to sleep, one thought penetrates the depths of his tired mind:

_ I’m in love with Alex Kingston. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unfortunately, i just started a new job and it’s taking up a lot of my free time, so i won’t be able to update as often :/ but if you leave a comment i just might be energised enough to keep up with my normal schedule ;)   
thanks for reading <3


	3. i wanna know the real thing about you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the third date, he knows that he’s madly in love with Alex Kingston.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your lovely comments!!! 
> 
> Chapter title from ‘New Light’ by John Mayer

The next day, even more articles show up on various gossip sites. The photos of them kissing and Matt whispering intimately into Alex's ear is reused so many times that even he gets tired of looking at it. Even tabloids have printed particularly nasty articles about their 'relationship', but Matt and Alex had both known that would happen. It doesn’t stop him from calling her up first thing in the morning, though.

“Hello?” Alex answers the phone, sounding barely awake. 

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Matt asks. 

“No, no - I’m just tired,” she yawns. “What can I help you with, darling?”

“Oh, right - I, God, Alex, I know we talked about the press last night but-” Matt looks over at one of the tabloids, whose headline was printed in large, bolded letters over a picture of them kissing:  ** _Kingston The Cougar? _ ** “-it’s even more awful than I thought it would be.”

“I’m sure it isn’t anything new,” Alex says lightly. 

“No, really - it’s  _ horrible, _ ” Matt says sadly. He runs a hand down his face. “I really didn’t mean for this to happen, Kingston, I’m so sorry -”

“Did  _ you _ write those things?”

The question baffles him so much that it takes him a minute to answer. 

“No, of course not, but -”

“Then it isn’t your fault,” she says firmly.

“But,” Matt tries, sighing a little, “it’s because they think we’re  _ together _ that they’re saying these things. These terrible things about you and your past and your age and your career -”

“Really, darling, it’s nothing I haven’t heard before,” Alex assures him, but that only makes him feel worse. 

“Well, they’re all wrong,” he says determinedly. “Every single word, Alex. You  _ do _ deserve me, hell - I’d be sodding  _ lucky _ to have you like that in my life. You are truly,  _ truly _ incredible, so don’t go believing a single word of that rubbish, got it? None of that nonsense, Kingston.”

There’s a few moments where all Matt hears is her breathing, and for a second he fears that he’s gone and scared her off. But when she does answer, there’s a change in her voice that makes his heart inexplicably fill with -  _ something _ . 

“Of course not, darling,” she says, sounding so gentle and tender that he thinks he’d love to record it if he can and have it played every night while he falls asleep. “Thank you.”

“No problem at all, Kingston,” he replies, his voice a little hoarse. “No problem at all.”

*

By the third date, he knows that he’s madly in love with Alex Kingston. 

Going out with her, making her laugh, kissing and touching her, calling her ‘sweetheart’ all the time - God, he doesn’t understand how  _ everyone _ isn’t madly in love with her. 

She flirts with no mercy and she does this completely adorable thing where she crinkles her nose when she laughs, and she loves touching him discreetly by the shoulder or neck and kissing at his jaw, just missing his lips. 

He’s stupidly in love with her. Every night when he goes to bed, he sleeps with his mind full of her and his heart completely empty - he’s given every piece of it to her already.

But every time she does those things - the touching and the kissing and the flirting - as much as he loves it, his chest aches with the knowledge that none of this is real. She’s acting, like the amazing actress she is, and it’s all his fault because  _ he’s _ the one who landed himself here in the first place. 

Sometimes at night, alone in bed, he likes to imagine what would’ve happened if he’d realised sooner. Maybe during that first ‘date’ at the restaurant, he would’ve told her and she would’ve given him a beautiful smile. Maybe instead of spending the entire dinner plotting, they could’ve talked about how they found out they had feelings for each other. Maybe they could’ve reminisced about all the times it almost happened, and laugh at how stupid they were back then.

And then maybe they could’ve been holding hands because they  _ wanted _ to - not for the benefit of the public, or the paparazzi. Just for them. 

And maybe when they kissed afterwards, outside her house, it would’ve felt  _ real _ , and not like an unscripted play. Maybe he would’ve held on tighter, kissed her longer. And maybe he would’ve whispered words of love and happiness instead of just bidding her goodnight right after. 

The endless possibilities almost kill him. But what can he do? He can’t very well stop it all now. He’d look absolutely pathetic, another failed relationship in less than two months. Not to mention Alex - she’d be painted even more as a sex fiend who seduces young men to satisfy some urge. He can’t possibly do that to her - the stuff they’re writing  _ now _ is bad enough. He can’t subject her to more verbal abuse by the press just because he came to his senses too late. 

No, he’ll just have to deal with the heartache. 

Sometimes it isn’t so bad, he thinks, like right now - Alex is trying on a few dresses for a party he’s taking her to tonight. He’s now in Alex’s room, sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for her to come out of her closet with the third dress for him to see.

The plan for today is that they’ll go to whoever’s pool party, stay and be papped for a little while, He’s supposed to pretend that he won’t be able to keep his hands off her, but really there won’t be much pretending going on. Then they’ll leave a little too early, make out in a corner somewhere the paparazzi will definitely see them but not obvious enough that it appears  _ suspicious _ , and make their way to Alex’s house, where Matt will be spending the night. 

It’s the most physical act they’ve done so far. Matt is a little conflicted about it - on one hand, he gets to spend the night touching Alex, which is definitely a plus. On the other, he’s afraid that he’ll be a little  _ too _ enthusiastic and Alex will figure out that it  _ isn’t _ all just acting for him. 

His fears are momentarily forgotten when Alex steps out of her walk-in closet. She’s wearing something black and lacy, her hair in unruly curls all around her head and shoulders. It’s tight and a little shorter than what she usually wears, but  _ God _ it looks damn good on her. 

It accentuates her tiny waist and her breasts are covered in even more lacy material, leaving the tops bare and her nipples hidden from view. The dress is strapless and it shows off her arms, neck, shoulders and cleavage.

If he didn’t have to pretend to be unable to keep his hands off her, he doubts he would be able to anyway.

He’s pretty sure he’s salivating, but apparently it isn’t enough, because Alex still feels the need to ask. 

“Well? What do you think?” she asks, looking down at herself and turning around so that he can see the back of it. She bites her lip self- consciously. “Am I trying too hard?”

Matt finally finds his voice at that.

“No, not at all,” he says, his voice low and throaty. He can’t seem to speak properly. “Wear that one.”

“Are you sure?” she asks uncertainly, plucking at the lacy material and adjusting the dress around her. 

He nods, swallowing a little and unable to take his eyes off her. Licking suddenly dry lips, he says, “Please.” 

His voice comes out much hoarser than he intended - Alex actually turns to look at him, but he clears his throat hurriedly. 

“Should I - should I leave you to get ready?” he asks, standing up and scratching his cheek.

“Um - uh, yeah, it’s just -” but Matt is already heading towards the door, mumbling things like  _ no worries _ and  _ take your time. _ “I’ll only be fifteen minutes at most, promise.” 

“No need to rush, Kingston.” he assures her, before disappearing from her bedroom before she can even open her mouth to reply. 

Alex turns to her reflection in the mirror, frowning to herself. What had that been about?

*

Matt waits downstairs in the sitting area, his leg bouncing restlessly as his mind races. What is he doing? He’s too far gone for Alex and now he has to stand beside her for two months, kiss her for two months, and touch her for two months only to have it all be taken away once their stupid charade ends. He doesn’t know if he can do this - he wants her so much he has to fight himself from touching her when they’re alone. He has no right to do that, not yet. 

He’s interrupted from his thoughts by the sound of heels clacking against the stairs and he get up, rounding the couch to get to the staircase. He stops the moment he sees her, jaw hung wide open, everything else fading into darkness and the only thing he can see is Alex. 

“You know, you don’t need to do that when we’re alone,” she teases, her smile cheeky. 

Her hair is up in an elegant updo and she’d applied some light makeup on her face. She also has on one of those chunky necklaces she loves so much, in the same deep red colour as her strappy heels.

He places a soft kiss to her temple. He can’t help himself.

“You look gorgeous,” he says honestly.

“Thank you,” she replies softly, smiling and looking down at her feet. “Should we - should we take pictures now?”

They’d discussed this earlier, while still choosing which dress Alex should wear - that Alex should make use of her Instagram account more, and post pictures of them whenever she can. He’d promised to make one too, but really he just wants pictures of them so he has something to remember when it all ends. 

It had started with a harmless comment about Jasmine being obsessed with posting pictures of them when they were together. The subject of at least three of their minor arguments had been Matt not having any social media accounts to share their occasionally cute pictures on. From there, Alex had suggested angering Jasmine even further. Even though he knew this entire thing was less about Jasmine and more about being with Alex, he’d said yes. He couldn’t say no to taking cure, grossly romantic photos of both of them.

He takes his phone out and after much cajoling, he manages to convince Alex to take a couple of solo shots before moving to the selfies. He puts an arm around her and hugs her close to his side, letting his expression tell her everything he can’t bring himself to tell her. They take more goofy shots, making funny faces and sticking their tongues out at the camera. 

Soon, a competition evolves between the two of them, seeing who can make the other person laugh the hardest. They’re having so much fun, taking so many photos of themselves, making utter fools out of themselves, that Matt has to stop them both, pointing out the time and saying they’ll be late for the party if they don’t leave soon. 

“One last shot?” she asks prettily, and he can’t refuse.

He readies his phone, leaning in towards her and smiling at the camera. She tilts her head towards his, holding him closely. His finger moves towards the ‘capture’ button and the moment he does, Alex lifts her head to press a kiss to his cheek, surprising him.

When he looks down at her, she’s grinning mischievously, and he has to fight down the urge to gather her into his arms and snog the daylights out of her. 

“What was that for?” he asks, and she shrugs.

“Come on,” she says, looping her arm around his. “We’ll be late.”

He can’t help but notice that she never answered his question. 

She’s even more nervous when they get to the party, and he can tell why. Everyone is dancing, drinking. smoking or getting high, and she has no interest in doing any of these things. He takes her hand and smiles at her reassuringly, stepping closer to her. 

“I won’t leave your side unless you ask me to,” he promises, squeezing her hand tightly. 

But she looks at him, unconvinced. 

“It’s a party, darling, you should enjoy yourself.” she tells him. She hasn’t felt so out of place in an extremely long time, but she’ll be damned if she’s the reason Matt isn’t allowed to have fun. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Matt shakes his head resolutely. “I’ll enjoy myself plenty with you, Kingston. Besides, I don’t trust any of these gits to keep their hands to themselves.”

She still looks uncertain but she doesn’t argue. She’s quite relieved that Matt is so adamant on staying with her - she hasn’t got a clue what to do with a sea of party-goers decades younger than her. 

She grabs onto his arm tightly as they weave through the crowd. She sees some familiar faces who smile back at her and she feels a bit of tension seep out of her shoulders. 

They stop at the bar, where a few people start talking to Matt. Alex smiles at them in greeting but doesn’t say much of anything, knowing that they’re only interested in talking to Matt. 

“Guys, this is Alex,” Matt says suddenly, and Alex finds herself in front of two men, shaking their hands. “We’re together.”

He says it so plainly, so matter-of-factly, that Alex has to remind herself that it’s all part of an act. 

“We’ve heard! Congratulations!” The two men smile kindly at her.

“How are things?” One man, a tall figure with a colourful sense of style asks. 

Matt nudges her expectantly, and she realises that the question is posted to  _ her _ . 

“Oh, good, good,” she says, before she leans in and whispers conspiratorially, “Matt is keeping me  _ very _ busy.”

The two men laugh in delight while Matt flushes red, glaring at her and poking her side playfully. She squirms and laughs, still giggling at her joke.

“You two make the loveliest couple,” the other man coos. 

Matt and Alex look at each other, mild surprise etched all over their features. Perhaps this thing is working better than they thought.

”So, Alex, my friend Lizzie told me about the play you’ll be doing in the summer,” the same man says, and Alex smiles politely. “You haven’t got anything signed up for the winter, have you? There’s a new playwright whose first show is opening in New York and I think you’ll be perfect for the part.”

”I haven’t thought that far ahead, to be honest,” Alex laughs.

”Fantastic! It’s a political dramedy - based on the real story of the several sex scandals politicians in New York are fond of,” he continues, and he gestures for Alex to take out her phone. She does, and hands it over to him. “Have your agent email me for the script, dearie. I’m sure you’ll fit the bill perfectly.”

”Thank you,” Alex says sincerely, taking her phone back and squinting at the email address written down. “Er - Leon, is it? Sorry, my eyes aren’t quite what they used to be.”

Behind her, a guy nursing a drink lets out a loud snort before taking a large gulp out of his canister. Alex frowns in the direction of the man but he doesn’t meet her eyes, so she turns her attention back to Leon. 

“Drunkards,” he says distastefully, looking like someone who just stepped on vomit. He pastes a smile back on his face. “Lovely meeting you, Alex.”

He gives her a kiss on the cheek before heading towards the pool table. Alex turns around, her eyes searching for Matt and finding him with the tall, colourful guy. She nudges his elbow a little when she’s close enough, and he smiles down at her. 

“Listen, Matt, I’ve a friend across the pond who’s working on a play…” the tall guy says, and Alex knows that no one else will be paying attention, so she stands on the tips of her toes to whisper in Matt’s ear.

“I’m dying for a drink, darling,” she says softly, patting his shoulder. “I’ll bring one back for you. Be right back.”

Before he can answer, she slips through his fingers.

He gets distracted, knowing that Alex doesn’t exactly feel safe and comfortable at this party. The tall guy is still talking about his friend’s play and Matt finds himself only half-listening, his mind wandering around to Alex and wondering if she’s okay getting drinks. The party crowd is getting drunker and drunk people, he knows, are uncomfortably insistent.

“Er - I’m so sorry, I just really need to find Alex,” Matt interrupts the man apologetically. “Sometimes she doesn’t do well in crowds and can’t find her way back, you know?”

For some reason, this makes another guy, who Matt had noticed earlier drinking by himself, to snicker loudly. 

“Is her memory going bad?” he asks jokingly, but Matt stops and turns to him with a frown on his face.

“That was rude,” he says quietly.

“It was a joke man,” the guy smirks. “No need to get all defensive. She isn’t here to see you play the hero and give you candy before she tucks you into bed later.”

Matt’s eyes flash dangerously.

“Don’t pretend that you know shit about our relationship,” he says softly, aware of the crowd around them. All traces of worry and concern are gone because now this idiot is taking a shot at Alex. “Don’t you dare say shit about Alex just because she’s with me.”

The guy shrugs, not bothered at all by Matt’s tone. “She’s over 50, man. It’s fucking gross.”

“So what if Alex is over 50?” Matt asks coldly. “She’s just as gorgeous as anyone and she has twice the heart of any woman I’ve ever met. Do me a favour, yeah? Shove your head up your arse where it belongs, you fucking prick.” 

He turns around without a word, intending to storm off, find Alex and possibly leave the party. He only takes one step when he sees Alex standing, holding two beers, her eyes wide as they dart towards the other man and then back to Matt again. Her mouth is open in mild shock and she seems frozen in place, staring.

Realising quickly that a crowd is starting to gather around them, Matt approaches her and hands off the two beers to another passer-by before taking her hand.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s get out of here.” Matt mutters quietly, pulling her in the direction of the exit. Anger is still radiating off of him and he can feel his chest burning with fury as he thinks about that sodding arsehole. 

Once they’re back in the fresh night air, a warm breeze blowing in their face, Matt loosens his grip on Alex and turns to her.

“Are you all right?” he asks quietly, concerned when she doesn’t seem to want to meet his eyes. “Alex?”

She lifts her head slowly, her eyes shut, a few curls falling from her updo to frame her face. When she opens her eyes and looks at him, her breathing uneven, his heart breaks to see that she’s holding back tears.

“Alex…” he whispers, taking her chin in his hand. 

She shakes her head. “I’m fine,” she breathes, her voice cracking only slightly. “I’m - I knew this would happen, and I - I knew - I’m fine.”

He presses a kiss to her forehead and opens his arms. She steps into him willingly, burying her face in his neck and allowing him to wrap his arms around her tightly. He rests his own chin on her head and lets his hands roam up and down her back, sighing as he waits for her breathing to even out slightly.

“It’s okay,” he whispers to her, kissing her hair. “You’re okay, sweetheart.”

It doesn’t occur to him until later that he’d called her  _ sweetheart _ \- and no one else was around to hear it.

*

They’re in the car, parked outside Alex’s house. The entire drive home had been silent, with Alex looking forlornly out of the window the entire time. Matt steals glances at her whenever he can, at stoplights or empty roads, but she never looks back.

When he stops in front of her place, she smiles in thanks.

“I don’t have to spend the night at yours,” he offers, his hands fidgeting with each other. And to think, merely an hour ago, they were taking silly photos in her living room. He scratches his cheek, a nervous habit. “I mean, nothing’s really gone according to plan, has it?”

“No, I suppose not,” she says sadly, and she looks even sadder than before.

“Not that it’s your fault or anything,” Matt rushes to say, leaning in to her side. “It’s that utter pig - gah, I don’t even know his damn  _ name _ -”

“It’s alright, Matt,” she says quietly, attempting to smile at him but failing only slightly. “You know, none of this would’ve happened if you’d picked someone else to do this with.”

“Someone else?” he asks. 

He hadn’t even thought about anyone else when the plan had developed. The entire reason he came up with it in the first place was because he’d been so happy to hang out with Alex again. Even now, he can’t think of anyone else he’d rather be doing this with.

“Someone your own age,” she clarifies, and when he opens his mouth to protest, she interrupts him. “You heard what he said, Matt.”

“That guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Matt says. “And - and sure, maybe it  _ would _ be easier - but it wouldn’t be half as fun as it is with you.” He nudges her playfully. “You know you’re the only one I could ever fake-date, Kingston.”

She smiles wider, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Why did you say those things about me?” she asks suddenly, looking down at her lap and not meeting his eyes.

“Because they’re true,” he says honestly. She looks up at him, and he knows how dangerously close he is to confessing his feelings for her, so he adds, “I couldn’t let anyone talk shit about my fake-girlfriend now, could I? What sort of fake-boyfriend would I be then?”

She chuckles lightly, and he feels much better now that he’s made her laugh. 

“You should still come in,” she says, and it takes him a second to realise that she’s answering his original question. “I - I don’t really feel like sleeping anymore.”

Matt’s eyes widen at that. “Kinky, Kingston.”

She realises how that sounded and hits him on the shoulder, laughing loudly. 

“Not like  _ that _ ,” she says, all trace of her previous sadness is gone and he just feels so happy that she’s happy now. “For God’s sake, get your mind out of the gutter!”

“And leave yours there, all by your lonesome?” he shoots back.

She mock-glares at him. “Really, I don’t know why I’m putting up with you.”

“Because I’m a lovely person to spend time with,” he says matter-of-factly.

She rolls her eyes. “Anyway, I was saying - you know, I’ll probably be up watching a romcom, if you’d like to join. I have popcorn.”

Matt beams at her. “I’d love to join.”

She smiles at him, the twinkle in her eyes finally back after the party. She opens her mouth, about to respond, when her eyes move behind him.

“Ever since this started, the bloody paps have been camping outside my house.” She sighs.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, wincing.

Her eyes soften. “It’s fine. Honestly, I’m having so much more fun than if I’d just lazed around.”

He grins. “I’m glad.”

She smiles back and leans in, pressing her lips to his softly, their mouths meeting for small, tiny kisses. Matt’s heart is beating rapidly against his chest - he knows that she’s just doing it for the benefit of the paparazzi, but it honestly feels so perfect that he can’t help but respond to her so easily.

His hand moves up her shoulder slowly, his fingers raking against her lace sleeves and coming to rest on her neck. He deepens the kiss, leaning over further to kiss her harder, their tongues meeting and he feels like he could stay here in this car, leaning over uncomfortably like this all night as long as he’s kissing her.

For one beautiful moment, he forgets that this isn’t real. For one beautiful moment, he’s kissing her because she wants him to - not because of some pictures that will appear in some stupid tabloid tomorrow. For one beautiful moment, they’re together - him and her, Matt and Alex, totally in love.

But then she pulls away, lips red and swollen, and the moment ends.

“I think that’s enough now,” she whispers into the air, still so close that if he just moves a fraction of an inch forward he’ll be able to feel those lips on his again.

_ No _ , he wants to say,  _ nothing is enough now but you. _

“Yeah,” he says hoarsely instead.

He pulls away, exiting and rounding the car to help her out. They stay close to each other as they walk towards the front of her house, his arms around her waist and her head on his shoulder, chatting lowly. Matt can still feel his lips tingling softly after that kiss but he forces himself to shove those feelings aside.

They immediately settle in for the movie, Matt removing his jacket but keeping his shirt and trousers on, Alex going up to change into something comfortable while Matt makes tea for both of them.

When she comes back down, she’s wearing a silky blue nightgown and  _ no bra _ and Matt chokes on his sip of hot tea.

“Kingston!” he sputters, coughing loudly. “What happened to your dress?”

She looks at him strangely. “I took it off.”

_ “Why?” _

“Because it was uncomfortable.”

“But you looked so amazing in it,” he pouts.

She laughs and comes closer to pat his cheek patronizingly. He can smell her perfume and see her nipples and  _ oh this is going to be a long night indeed. _

“You’re funny,” she says, heading to the cupboard and taking the popcorn out. “So, would you like extra buttery or extra-extra buttery?”

They end up on opposite ends of Alex’s huge sofa. They spend most of the first hour of the movie fighting over the popcorn and who ate more of it. By the end of the movie they’re huddled closer together, blankets over their laps for warmth, not really paying attention to the movie anymore and instead engaging in some silly conversation. 

By the time the credits roll, both of them are half asleep.

Matt’s alarm rings at eight am the next morning, waking both of them. It takes a few moments for them to realise that their legs are entangled and that Alex has her head on his chest, and when they do it’s an awkward struggle to right themselves.

“Um, have a good sleep?” he asks, running his hand through his hair and messing it up even further.

“Um, yeah,” she answers, tucking her unruly curls behind her ears. “You?”

“Good, good,” he mutters.

And though both of them want so desperately to talk about how natural it felt to fall asleep together, neither of them are brave enough to bring it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! hope you enjoyed the update! and dont forget to tell me what you thought of it! ;)


	4. but if you give me just one night, you’re gonna see me in a new light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya folks! Thank you so so much again for all the wonderful comments, please keep them coming!! It puts such a huge smile on my face when i wake up in the morning to comments, so thank you!!!
> 
> And also because it’s been a while since i’ve done this, but a huge shout out and thank you to my wonderful beta cassie, who helped me spruce up this chapter and all the others before it. I honestly don’t thank her enough and you guys should go over to her profile and show her some love if you can!!! 
> 
> Chapter title from ‘New Light’ by John Mayer

The next few weeks are a haze of shopping sprees and public dates, more and more new outlets becoming interested in both of them. Alex is becoming even more distant ever since the night they fell asleep next to each other, and Matt can't help but miss their closeness and banter. Sure, she acts like everything is fine when they’re around other people, but the moment they’re alone, she pulls away, her smile drops, and she turns completely away from him. 

He doesn’t know what’s wrong. He’s offered multiple times to just end the entire thing and get back to their normal lives but she keeps assuring him that she doesn’t want to. She won’t even tell him what’s going on with her, and he can’t stop himself from thinking about it. It’s driving him crazy.

She’s all smiley and happy in public, holding hands and teasing him and stepping into his personal space - they’ve made out more than a few times already where cameras can find them and she never seems to have a problem then. It feels all normal and amazing when they’re out, being a couple. Sometimes, Matt forgets that it’s all just a show they put on.

But the moment they’re back in the car, or in her house, she grows distant. And he’s reminded that this is all pretend - that Alex doesn’t  _ really  _ love him, she’s faking it. Because he asked her to.

She fakes looking at him with a loving smile and she fakes those little moans whenever they make out and she fakes liking being near him. She fakes flirting with him and she fakes that seductive, turned on voice and she fakes grasping at his hands like she needs to, like without it she can’t find her way.

And God, it  _ aches _ knowing that. Because whenever he does all of that, he isn’t faking. 

Sighing at his reflection, he tugs on his tie and tries to slick his hair back. Alex is waiting outside the fitting room, a glass of champagne in her hand and no doubt feeling extremely bored already. He’s trying on the fourth and last tux of the day, and even he’s getting bored. But he’s hoping to take her out to dinner. Alex has been in a strange mood, and he hopes that he can make it better.

He steps out of the changing room and poses for Alex, making her look up in shock and burst into laughter. 

“God, darling, what are you doing?” she asks in between fits of laughter as he keeps making up outrageous poses for her. 

“I’m posing,” he tells her. “Don’t I look great?”

She hides an amused smile behind her hand. “You looks smashing, darling.”

“Thank you,” he preens, finally standing up straight for her to judge the suit properly. “What do you think?”

She pauses, her eyes narrowing as they scrutinise him carefully, taking a sip out of her glass. She then settles her glass on the coffee table and stands, approaching him. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the tailor’s assistant raise his eyebrows a little and avert his eyes to give them some privacy. 

“I think…” she says slowly, her hands reaching out to adjust his collar and fix his tie. He looks down at her, smiling softly at her expression of concentration. “That you look lovely in the suit. Nothing to be done about that face, though.”

Matt’s mouth drops open in mock outrage. “You love this face.”

She tenses a little at that, unnoticeable to anyone but him. He immediately senses the change in her demeanour and feels bad for putting her on the spot. She starts to relax slowly, possibly realising that there are other customers and workers all around them. 

“Yes, I suppose,” she says softly, not looking at him. 

Her hands continue fixing the tie, a small smile illuminating her face. His hands move up to take hers, stopping them gently and making her look up at him. 

Swallowing lightly, he whispers, “I love your face too.”

Her smile widens even further and it feels like something is pulling him towards her, because he can’t remember  _ why _ he leans in and presses his lips to hers gently - maybe he just wants to.

She responds quickly, one of her hands reaching up to cup his cheek gently. His other hand reaches around her waist and pulls her flush against him, smiling at the surprised gasp that escapes her mouth. 

He pulls back but not away, looking down at her with the most tender look he can muster.

“Dinner?” he asks her.

“Sure,” she replies, smiling back the same way. “You can choose this time.”

“Perfect,” he says, pressing a small kiss to her forehead before stepping away. “I’ll go get changed and get the other suits and pay for them. Do you wanna wait here or outside?”

Alex turns back to her still half-full champagne glass. “I’ll wait here.”

Matt grins. “Be right back.”

Alex heads back towards the comfortable couch they have for guests and takes a seat. She’s just about to pick her glass up when a man comes wondering into her section, two suits still on hangers in hand. He does a double take when he sees Alex. 

“I’m so sorry,” the man says apologetically, his smooth, silky drawl calling Alex’s attention. “The attendant must’ve been mistaken, I’ll - hang on, you’re Alex Kingston.”

Alex raises an eyebrow and sweeps her gaze across the man’s attractive features - his blond cropped hair and black eyes, his chiseled jaw and muscular body. 

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” Alex asks, as politely as she can.

“Oh, no - sorry, terribly rude of me - I’m Richardson Dintworth,” he holds out his hand for Alex to take and she does. “The papers have been doing nothing but talk about you these past couple of weeks.”

“Oh, yes - of course, Mr Dintworth,” Alex says, laughing as she shakes his hand. “Lovely to meet you.”

“You too,” he says, smiling kindly at her. “Erm - is it terribly rude of me to assume that you’re not alone here?”

Alex pauses, her eyes immediately throwing a glance towards the door that Matt had just disappeared behind moments before. 

“No,” she says, deciding to tell the truth. She smiles confidently and explains, “I’m just accompanying my - ”

“Sweetheart? I heard voices, who are you talking to?” Matt asks, exiting the fitting room with the tux hanging off his arm. He stops abruptly when he spots the other man in the room, recognising him from internet photos instantly.

“Mr Smith,” Richardson greets, holding out his hand again. After some hesitation, Matt takes it. “I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about you.”

“That’s very kind of you to say, Mr Dintworth,” Matt replies, smiling tightly.

Alex can feel the awkward tension seep into the air slowly, and she decides to step in before it can get any worse. 

“Come on, darling. We have dinner reservations to get to,” Alex lies smoothly, looping an arm around Matt’s and tugging him towards the cashier. “We don’t want to be late.”

Matt looks down at her and smiles appreciatively. “No, we don’t,” he says to her, before turning back to Richardson. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Richardson says politely. “We’ll see each other again at the Globes, yes?” 

“Yes, yes, of course,” Matt nods agreeably, waving goodbye as Alex bids farewell.

Outside the store, tuxes in hand, both of them walk silently to the car, hand-in-hand. It had just occurred to Matt that he’d just met the man responsible for him actually thinking up this fake relationship idea in the first place. 

And though some part of him had hoped and imagined Richardson Dintworth as some jerkish arsehole, their very brief encounter had only confirmed the exact opposite. 

He doesn’t know how to feel about that.

In the car, Matt is driving them to a restaurant twenty minutes away. The entire ride had been filled with comfortable silence, until Alex breaks it. 

“You’re not over Jasmine, are you?” Alex asks softly, barely heard over the sound of the radio playing, but Matt catches it anyway.

He turns to stare at her, wide-eyed and jaw hanging wide open. “What makes you say that?” he asks, when he can finally find his voice again. 

What has he done that suggests that he’s even been  _ thinking  _ about Jasmine? He’s spent the last few weeks cherishing every moment with  _ her, _ but she seems so bloody oblivious to it all. But just  _ one _ encounter with bloody Richardson Dickhead and she thinks that he’s still in love with Jasmine?

How the hell did that make sense?

“The way you were looking at Dintworth…” she trails off, unsure. 

“I am. I’m being honest, Alex, I was over Jasmine so long ago,” he says to her honestly, continuing the drive.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Alex bite her lip, clearly still unconvinced. But she doesn’t say anything else, so neither does he. 

“So… is that how we’re saying ‘I love you’ from now on?” She asks casually, turning back to him and smiling in a teasing way. “By saying ‘I love your face’?”

Matt grins at that. “Or, you know, we could just say ‘I love you’.”

“Now who’s being boring?” Alex shoots at him, and he shrugs.

“We’ll say it however you want it,” he tells her, and she smiles.

“You treat me better than any man I’ve actually dated sometimes,” she confesses softly. She takes his hand on the gear shift. “You’re going to make someone a very lucky girl someday.”

He just wants  _ her  _ to be his girl. He’ll be the lucky one, then.

“You too, Kingston,” he says back. “One lucky bloke is going to sweep you off your feet.”

_ And God, I hope it’s me,  _ his heart whispers to himself.

*

In the blink of an eye, the first award show they’re attending - the Golden Globes - is finally happening. They’d done red carpet interviews, where the interviewer had (unsurprisingly) asked intrusive questions such as:

_ “How long have you been together?” _

_ “Have you and Alex been together before?” _

_ “Was Alex the reason you broke up with Jasmine, or is Richardson the reason she broke up with you?” _

And, of course: 

_ “What is it like being with someone as  _ experienced  _ as Alex?” _

Matt finds himself ignoring every question except the last one. When he hears that, he looks at Alex, who’s smiling confidently at the cameras, intent on not letting the press know just how much they get to her. She’s incredible, his Alex.

He turns back to the interviewer. “You know, whenever I get questions like that one, I have to stop myself from actually answering because it isn’t about the age gap. It’s never been about the age gap. It’s about the fact that this time, it’s an older woman with a younger man, when it’s always been the opposite in Hollywood. I don’t see anyone who has a problem with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas, or Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford. Why is that, do you think?”

And he steps away before anyone can answer. When he rejoins Alex in the theatre, she gives him a small smile.

“You should really stop doing things like that, you know,” she says to him quietly as an usher leads them to their seats. 

“It’s true, though, they never ask those questions when it’s the other way around,” he points out, shrugging carelessly. “Besides, why do you want me to stop?”

She doesn’t answer him, remaining quiet as the usher finally stops at a table and indicates their seats. They spot a few familiar faces and give a friendly wave, but ultimately decide not to approach anyone, having discussed earlier that it’s best to stick together.

“You never answered my question,” he says to her quietly, as more and more people start filling the room. “Why?” 

“It’s nothing, darling, don’t work yourself up over it,” she says dismissively. 

She shuts him down the same way each time he prods at her for an answer, and after a while, he just gives up. The night progresses quickly, Matt losing out to Randall Park for Best Actor, but clapping earnestly for the man as he goes on stage to accept his award. Alex squeezes his hand, knowing that he must feel at least a little disappointment, but once he looks at her, he really can’t feel any sadness. 

Alex leaves to go to the washroom, her shimmering black dress trailing behind her. She puts on a touch of powder on her face and reapplies her lipstick, having smudged it accidentally while eating. She does up her eyebrows and looks in the mirror to see if there’s anything else she needs to fix when the door bursts open and a young woman in a fairytale-like dress steps in, stopping short at the doorway when they lock eyes in the mirror. 

Jasmine. Matt’s ex.

How lovely. 

Alex attempts to smile at her but the other woman ignores her, sighing in mild annoyance as she approaches the mirror. Alex goes back to carefully fixing her hair, intending to rush out of the restroom as soon as possible.

“You’re wasting your time with Matt,” Jasmine says suddenly, still looking at herself in the mirror. Alex looks at her in surprise. “He wouldn’t marry me. I couldn’t wait any longer for him to come to his senses, so I left.” Jasmine shuts her compact with a snap and shoots a sideways glance at Alex before digging into her purse again. “ _ You _ certainly can’t afford to wait.”

Alex ignores the dig at her age, instead turning to face Jasmine. “I don’t want Matt to marry me.”

Jasmine scoffs in disbelief. “Then why are you with him?”

“Because I like spending time with him,” Alex says simply. “I like getting to know him and he likes getting to know me. If he wants to marry me - that’s a bonus, but I don’t need that. I don’t expect you to understand,” Alex adds, when Jasmine rolls her eyes in an unimpressed manner at Alex’s answer, “but being with Matt makes me happy. That’s enough for me.”

She turns to leave, but Jasmine’s voice stops her.

“Ms Kingston, wait,” she says, turning around as Alex does too. “Really - you seem like such a nice person and I don’t want anyone to get hurt like I was. I spent two years with him - I know him more than I’d like to. And he’ll hurt you, just like he hurt me. Right now, he might seem like the perfect man who attends to your every need, but once the magic is worn off - it’ll change everything.  _ He’ll  _ change. And it’ll hurt so much.”

Alex stares at the other woman, listening carefully to her speech and realisation hits her all at once - Jasmine is still in love with Matt. 

And maybe it’s the final act of self-preservation, maybe it’s because she  _ likes _ having Matt in her life like this, or maybe she just wishes that everything between Matt and her were real - but no matter what it is, something within her possesses her to answer. 

“You’re a lovely girl, Jasmine. But I think you’ve got it all wrong,” Alex says calmly, trying to be as kind as possible while still getting her point across. “The difference between you and me is that I’ve never known Matt to be a perfect man. To me, he’s just a man who tries his best. He has his flaws, but he gives me everything I need - and as long as he continues to do that, nothing else matters. You decided that his best wasn’t enough for you, so you left. His best is just right for me, so I’m staying. I do appreciate your advice, Jasmine, but I don’t need it right now.”

Alex offers the girl one last smile before turning around and walking towards the door. “It was lovely meeting you, Jasmine. You and Richardson make a wonderfully good-looking couple.”

She doesn’t get a reply as the door swings shut, but she resolutely remains focused on finding Matt again. As she takes her seat, Matt looks up at her and almost immediately she knows he can tell that something is wrong - and she wonders when they got so good at reading each other like this. 

“You okay?” he asks quietly, trying not to draw the attention of the others at their table. 

She remains silent for a while, contemplating telling him about Jasmine - should she? She knows that it would only make Matt angry, and really, she doesn’t want to make a huge fuss out of what could turn out to be nothing. Matt would only get mad for no reason, she decides.

“Yeah,” she replies finally, and she smiles reassuringly when he gives her a skeptical look. “Don’t worry about me, darling.”

He stares at her for a moment longer before nodding, taking her hand and kissing her palm softly. The small gesture makes her already cluttered mind even more chaotic and she wonders if maybe some part of her is justifying not telling him as something that would be beneficial for him instead of her. Really, by not telling him, she isn’t giving him the opportunity to make amends with Jasmine, or maybe repair something that could be salvaged. 

But even as she thinks of Matt running back into Jasmine’s arms after all this is done, the thought makes her heart drop. She knows it isn’t rational but her mind hasn’t been anywhere near right ever since this started. She’s tried distancing herself to cling onto some form of reality but it hasn’t worked - he caught on almost immediately and made it impossible for her to stay away. 

And now that they’ve spent all this time together, the thought that Matt might want Jasmine back remains in the back of her mind, silently taunting her. 

So all she does is smile back at him, and remain silent. 

*

The after parties are full of celebrities drinking and dancing their pants off, something both Matt and Alex are only too happy to indulge in. Occasionally, Matt will touch her arse and whisper in her ear, and Alex will giggle uncontrollably. Everyone around them loves dancing with them, handing them more and more drinks.

Matt tries not to let the atmosphere or the alcohol get into his head, but it’s so hard to concentrate when Alex is giving him bedroom eyes in the middle of the dance floor, and he can only reciprocate them. He knows it’s a dangerous game he’s playing - he’s in dangerous territory, only worsened by the influence of alcohol but he just can’t resist temptation. He wants Alex so badly - he wants to kiss her and hold her and show her off to the world. 

But more importantly, he wants to have her to himself. He wants her to feel cherished and loved by him, and this fierce longing grows bigger and bigger with every passing day she spends with him. While he’s relieved that she’d more or less stopped distancing herself from him when they’re alone, he can’t help but long for more intimacy with her - more privacy when they kiss, when they brush their hands along one another. 

Alex smiles at him and takes his hand, placing her empty glass on the tray of a passing waiter as they walk hand in hand through the rowdy crowd. They pass through some familiar faces but they don’t stop to chat long. Every time they get stopped by someone, Alex presses herself closer to him, places a kiss on his neck or his ear and gives their company a look that clearly says ‘we want to be alone’. 

Matt has no idea what she’s doing, but he loves it. Any reason to touch Alex is fabulous. 

Their hands clasped tightly in one another’s, they make their way to the backyard of the giant mansion, breathing in the fresh night air, void of alcohol or smoke. He looks at her questioningly, wondering where she’s taking him and what they’re doing, but she doesn’t seem to notice, gazing up at the moon with starry eyes and a content smile. 

He’s distracted by the sight of her smile as they walk - she looks so completely relaxed and at ease under the moonlight, with no one else around them except for the few odd people here and there. It’s been a while since he’s seen that look on her face and he realises guiltily that it must be because of all the stress that this arrangement has put her under - but he forces the guilt down.

She turns to him suddenly and her smile widens instantly, and he feels himself automatically moving towards her, pressing his lips against hers because  _ how can he not? _ He’s so madly in love with her that he just can’t resist. 

She returns the kiss enthusiastically, and he moans softly into her mouth. His heart is beating twice as hard in his chest and he’s afraid that she’ll be able to feel it, his traitorous heart declaring his feelings for her much more obviously than anything else can - but her hands settle sweetly on his neck, not noticing anything. 

Slowly, he feels the haze in his mind clear up and he realises that the air around them is silent - not a single voice or footstep can be heard, and he realises with growing elation that they’re  _ alone _ . No one is in their vicinity and unless someone looks out the window, no one will be able to see them kissing. 

His mind trying not to fill with hope at what that might mean, he gently pulls away from the kiss, stealing one last peck on her lips before taking her hand once again and continuing down the path of stones leading into a beautiful garden. 

They settle down at one of the benches not surrounded by anyone unless someone looks down the balcony on the second floor and catches sight of them.

“I - I forgot to tell you,” Alex says, as their laughter fades and silence starts to take over. She isn’t slurring her words yet, but Matt can tell that she’s well on her way to doing so. “I saw Jasmine - ”

“I don’t want to talk about her right now,” Matt whispers to her, grabbing her hand and pressing a kiss to the back of it. “Tonight is about  _ us _ , sweetheart.”

“What are you doing?” she asks, when he leans in to kiss her.

“Kissing you,” he says, as if it’s obvious.

“I know, I - I mean,  _ why _ ?” She asks, bewildered. “There isn’t anyone here to see us.”

He pulls away, looking guilty and apologetic. “I - I’m sorry, I just - I thought it wouldn’t matter anymore,” he says quietly, looking down and placing his hands on his lap. “I guess I was wrong. I’m very, very sorry, Alex.”

“N-no, I’m not mad,” she assures him. “I’m just so confused. Sometimes - sometimes it doesn’t  _ feel _ like…” she trails off, and he looks at her hopefully.

“Like what, Alex?” He asks, breathing quietly.

She looks into his eyes, wide and hopeful, and she doesn’t know what to say - how to continue. She simply stares at him for a few moments before smiling tenderly, reaching up to cup his cheek gently. 

“I love your face,” she whispers quietly instead, earning herself a warm grin from him.

“I love yours too,” he replies, eyes flicking down to her lips.

And it doesn’t matter that there isn’t anyone around to watch them. She leans up and kisses him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for sticking with me, i know the wait between updates is longer than what i usually put out but i’ve got my arm twisted with this one and i hope ya’ll can hang on because we’re officially more than halfway to the end! Don’t forget to leave a comment, even if it’s just to say hi, or tell me what time it is while you’re reading, or to quote your fav parts from the chapter, or even if it’s just a keyboard smash!


	5. i don’t stop for anyone but i’ll pause for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both of them know that the other can feel this - this thing between them; this thing that whispers that their kisses aren’t pretend, that every touch isn’t for the world to see but for the other to feel, that every longing gaze isn’t some part of a well-thought-out script and they merely the actors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments so far, it makes me so so happy that people are enjoying the story so much. So please keep that coming!!!
> 
> Chapter title from ‘Indigo’ by NIKI

The flight to their last award show - the BAFTAs - is, well,  _ awkward, _ to say the least.

Both of them know that the other can feel this - this  _ thing _ between them; this thing that whispers that their kisses aren’t pretend, that every touch isn’t for the world to see but for the other to feel, that every longing gaze isn’t some part of a well-thought-out script and they merely the actors. 

No, this is  _ them _ \- Matt and Alex.

It had certainly  _ been  _ them two nights ago, after the Oscars, when they’d went home together slightly tipsy. He’d danced the entire night with her, laughing and kissing occasionally - he’d even pressed himself against her and let his hands slide down to her bum. The sexiest part was that she  _ let _ him.

That had escalated so much that by the time they were in the taxi that was escorting them back to her house, she was seated on his lap, and they were fully making out. His hands in her hair and their lips fused to each other like they could never part, ever. She held his face in her hands and he never wanted to leave - he wanted her like this for the rest of his days, her thighs wrapped around him and her face so close to his and the smell of her sweet perfume the only thing he can breathe in. 

They hadn’t even noticed when the taxi stopped - they were so caught up in each other that the taxi driver had to loudly clear his throat three times before they had the sense to spring apart. 

They tipped the driver generously for his troubles but as he drove away and left them, neither could look at the other. 

What had they been  _ doing? _ What was happening? Were they even pretending anymore? Or was it just the heat of the moment? Had it meant anything?

These questions raced through both their minds, the chaotic thoughts a vast contrast to the calm, quiet night air surrounding them. They walk in silence, a space between them that hadn’t existed before, neither of them knowing what to do or say to the other. 

Once the door is shut beside them, they turn to each other. 

“Alex, I - ”

“I really - ”

Both of them start to speak at the same time, and they stop long enough to finally look each other in the eye. Alex gestures for him to continue, and Matt nods before speaking, his brain quickly trying to grasp at words before he loses his train of thought. 

“I… what was that?” he asks, sincerely confused. He knows he loves Alex, but he has no idea how  _ she _ feels about him. “Because I- I really enjoyed it, and you know, I wouldn’t mind doing… more of it.”

Alex bites her lower lip, and she looks so breathtaking in that black dress that Matt has to remind himself that they’re currently having a  _ very _ serious discussion. 

“I… I don’t know,” she admits, brushing a hand through her curls. “I know that I… I  _ do _ want more, but God, I can’t tell if it’s purely physical or romantic or… transference.”

Matt looks down at his shoes, slightly disappointed.

“I can’t do a casual relationship, Matt,” she says quietly, not quite meeting his eyes. She’s looking at a spot over his shoulder, and he suspects that she’s trying to make it easier for both of them. “And I can’t do a serious relationship only to have it fall apart in the end. I’ve done that too many times already.”

“I don’t want a casual relationship with you,” he tells her quietly.

He watches as her eyes widen in surprise at the admission. He thinks that he sees a brief glimpse of hope in her features, but it disappears, leaving him wondering if he’d imagined it. 

“I think - I think we should wait,” she says firmly, sounding sure of herself. “I think we should wait until after the BAFTAs to sort all of this out. We can figure everything out with no distractions.”

He feels disappointment shoot through him even as he nods in agreement. 

“Whatever you say, Alex,” he says softly.

She nods. “Thank you.”

He says nothing, merely standing there and staring at her. She seems like she’s on the verge of tears, and he wishes he could take her in his arms and press a kiss to her forehead and tell her that everything will be fine, but that seems entirely too intimate for what they’ve just established.

“You should head on to bed,” she says.

“Right. Yes,” he says. She nods and spins, climbing the stairs to her bedroom as he heads to the guest room. “Goodnight, Alex.”

There’s a long pause, and for a moment Matt thinks that he might not get a reply - but then her voice floats down, soft and tentative but familiar.

“Goodnight, darling.”

That had been the last time they had a proper conversation. The day after was spent in uncomfortable silence whenever they were in the same room - which didn’t happen often, since Alex had taken to avoiding him. A part of him felt so sad and empty - he’d relished the closeness between them all month, and losing that was even harder than he thought. 

He tried talking to her again - he tried striking up small conversations but she was always either too busy or she had a grumpy face on that made Matt reluctant to approach her. 

It made living in the same house difficult - even if it was just for a day or so. He was starting to regret their plan - they were flying straight to the UK together, and they’d booked seats next to each other on the airplane. Before all of that had happened, it made sense for him to pack his suitcase two days earlier and spend the remaining nights at Alex’s house.

That was before they made out for the sake of making out.

Now Alex was seated beside him, tucked into a blanket and reading a book, her whole body curved towards the window, away from him. She’d refused to look at him since last night and he felt a pang in his chest at the thought that after the BAFTAs, he might never be able to be friends with Alex Kingston again. 

He couldn’t let that happen. These past two months have been amazing, though slightly torturous. He just wants Alex near to him - it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t feel the same way. As long as she’s in his life, that would be enough for him.

He turns towards her again, wondering if she’s thinking about him. About every kiss they’ve shared, every longing touch, every loving gaze. He wonders if she knows that he’s meant it all along. 

He feels an urge to reach over and push those curls out of her face, but he knows that would make her feel uncomfortable. So he curls his fingers into his palm to stop himself from giving into temptation.

Though he knows that the BAFTAs might mean the end of his charade with Alex, he can’t help but feel a little relieved. Award season has been a nightmare - except where Alex was involved, of course. She made everything so much more bearable. 

Jasmine hasn’t stopped calling since the Globes. Alex had even caught his mobile ringing once, and a flash of emotion passed over her face before her expression turned stoic again. He didn’t know why, but he felt the need to reassure her that he wasn’t intending to pick up her calls. 

He’s managed to avoid Jasmine and Richardson at every award show - now all he has to do is keep it up until the end of the BAFTAs. With a little luck, they might not even end up at the same afterparty.

Though Matt’s assured Alex that he wouldn’t pick up Jasmine’s calls, a part of him just can’t help but wonder why she’s calling. Why now, when they’re both with other people (well, sort of)? Why now, after two months? 

Was she jealous of Alex?

Matt looks over at her again, looking closely at her beautiful curls and bare face, her eyes fastened to the page in front of her, sunlight filtering through the window to illuminate her face. One of her hands is holding the book open and the other is resting casually on the armrest next to him. 

He feels himself smile softly, his own hand reaching out tentatively to touch hers. His fingertips merely graze the skin of her palm but he feels her entire body tense up as she looks at him for the first time that day. 

“What are you doing?” she asks - but it isn’t her normal, kind voice. Her tone is snippy and sharp - almost cold - and it makes him look down at his lap apologetically, like a child being scolded by his mother for misbehaving.

“Sorry,” he says quietly, trying not to draw the attention of the other passengers. “I was just - I don’t - I wasn’t - ”

Her face softens at his stammering apology and she sighs, snapping her book shut and tucking it away. 

“It’s alright,” she says quietly too, looking down and picking the loose threads of her blanket. “I - I know I haven’t been very… me lately. I’m sorry. I’m trying to sort everything out in my head but it’s been so much harder than I thought it would be.”

“You can tell me, Alex,” he offers immediately. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

She shakes her head sadly. “No, I can’t. I don’t even know what it is.”

“Tell me anyway,” he says. “I’ll listen, as long as you’re the one talking.”

She shuts her eyes at that and swallows, letting out a shaky breath that tells him she’s on the verge of tears. 

“I… I don’t know if I’m pretending anymore. With you,” she clarifies, looking at him again. She shifts her body so that she’s able to face him and whisper quietly to him, and her closeness makes him feel lighter again. “Ever since that day at the Globes… the afterparty - we kissed when there was nobody around.”

He nods. “I know.”

“We weren’t supposed to do that. It’s in the rules,” she points out. “So why did we?”

“I know why  _ I _ did,” he says honestly. “I wanted to.”

“You were drunk.”

“Not drunk enough to lose my head,” he counters. “I kissed you because I wanted to.”

She shakes her head. “Matt - I - please, if this is some kind of cruel joke - ”

“Do you really believe that I’d do that to you?” he asks, eyes wide. 

She takes a moment to answer, averting her eyes as she collects herself.

“I - no,” she says finally. “No, of course not.”

They sit in silence for a few moments, both of their minds reeling at the conversation they’re having.

“We don’t need to decide anything now,” he says softly, his hand reaching slightly for hers. When she doesn’t react, he grasps her hand tightly. “But I think I’ll drive myself absolutely insane if I keep this to myself for one more second, so here it goes. I’m crazy about you, Alex.”

The look of pure shock on her face is almost comical. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops but she makes no move to let go of his hand. He takes that as a positive sign. 

“You are?” she asks, as though she just can’t bring herself to believe that this is real.

He nods solemnly. “I’m not doing this to - to complicate things further or anything,” he says sincerely to her, squeezing her hand. “I just need you to know.”

“Matt - I - ” She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, shutting her eyes. “We need to have a proper talk, somewhere we can’t be overheard.”

Matt nods in agreement.

“Tomorrow?” he says, stroking his finger over the back of her hand tenderly. “After the BAFTAs. No afterparties - just you and me.”

Alex nods and looks at their clasped hands. 

“Just you and me,” she repeats softly. 

They spend the rest of the flight in semi-comfortable silence, Alex feeling uncomfortable only when she can sense Matt’s eyes on her. She doesn’t know what to do with the revelation of Matt’s feelings for her. She has so many questions that she’s itching to find some answers for, but she knows it isn’t the right time. She’s always prided herself on her self-control - until now. Now she wishes she could flush her self-control down the toilet.

When the flight finally lands, they exit the airport hand-in-hand, a nervous grin plastered all over her face at the sight of fans waiting for them at baggage claim. Matt gives a little friendly wave to the windows before turning back to Alex, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

“They probably figured out what time we were landing because of my Instagram story,” he says softly, a note of apology in his tone.

“You’ve been posting nonstop since you got an account,” Alex says, raising an eyebrow at him. “I’m almost impressed.”

“It’s mostly for the - you know - press. Pictures of us and everything,” he says, shrugging. “It’s kind of fun once I got the hang of it.”

She shoots him a dubious look and he shrugs again.

“Hey, you can’t blame me for wanting to show you off,” he says defensively, making her chuckle a little and pinch his arm as she blushes. “C’mon, let’s get going. Long day tomorrow.”

They take their luggage off the conveyor belt and head towards the exit, Matt’s assistant leading the way. They’ve booked a private car to take them to the hotel, where they’ll be staying for two nights before heading to their respective flats in London.

Or maybe they won’t. Maybe something will happen between them during that talk they’re supposed to have. Maybe he’ll realise that what he thinks he feels for her isn’t real - she’ll be okay if that’s the case, she’s prepared herself mentally for that possibility - but she can’t say it won’t hurt all the same. 

She knows that Jasmine is still in love with him - what if the only thing keeping him from realising his true feelings is  _ her _ , and this sodding act they’re putting on? What if Jasmine really is the one for him, but she’s standing in the way of their happiness? She’d never, ever wanted to be that person.

She’s so caught up in her thoughts that she doesn’t even realise she’s zoned out until a hand waves in front of her face, catching her attention.

“Alex?” Matt asks.

Alex gasps, slightly surprised, before turning to him. There’s an expression of worry and concern on his face as he frowns down at her, his eyes examining her face carefully. 

“Are you okay?”

She nods, not quite trusting herself to speak just yet. She can feel a myriad of emotions clogging up her throat, and she just can’t wait to flop onto the comfy hotel bed and sleep.

“You don’t look well, sweetheart,” he says quietly, and she closes her eyes and wills for him to just  _ stop _ because she  _ can’t _ do this anymore. “Let’s get some rest, all right?”

She nods mutely again, following Matt’s assistant to the car. She slides in and makes sure she’s sitting as far away from Matt as possible, letting her riotous curls cover him from view when she leans her head against the window. 

She can tell by the way he’s fidgeting that he’s itching to say something to her, but she pretends not to notice, keeping her eyes glued to the window. She hears his phone vibrating incessantly with calls and she knows that they must be from Jasmine because he’s rejecting all of them. She wonders if he would’ve answered if he’d been alone. She wonders if he’s only rejecting Jasmine’s calls because he thinks that’s what he ought to do when they’re together. 

She still hasn’t told him about her meeting with Jasmine at the Globes. As far as Matt is concerned, Alex and Jasmine have only ever exchanged pleasantries at the red carpets and sometimes the afterparties. She doesn’t want to think of what his reaction would be if he finds out about it. She doesn’t even know how she wants him to react. She doesn’t know if she wants  _ him _ .

It’s confusing, her emotions jumbled up in her brain like a puzzle waiting to be solved. She knows that Matt is a dear friend - and she knows that if they were together, for real, they would be splendid. She just doesn’t know if it’s worth giving up their comfortable friendship in pursuit of something as risky as love.

The car slows to a stop and Matt takes her hand gently, capturing her attention again. He tells her that he’s going ahead to check in for them, and that she should take her time gathering her things. He lingers a while after telling her this, and she can feel his hesitation creeping onto his skin as he looks at her. 

“Whatever you’re worried about,” he starts unsurely, his eyes moving tenderly across her face. “We’ll work through it together, alright?”

He presses a kiss to her cheek, his lips lingering longer than necessary. 

He pulls away and gives her a gentle smile. She can only manage a half-hearted grin in return, and he turns to head toward the building and the reception counter inside. 

Alex thanks the bellhops for their help as she slides out the car, giving them a generous tip before taking a deep breath and entering the hotel. 

It’s something right out of  _ Pretty Woman _ , high ceilings and crystal chandeliers, pristine workers and beautiful decorations. She spots Matt making his way to her, holding up two hotel room keys in his hand with a smile. 

“Are you okay with sharing a bed?” he asks as he hands her a key, and she has to blink to make sure she heard him properly. “They’re all booked up for two weeks and they don’t have a spare bed to loan us - it’s a king size, so there’ll be plenty of space. But if you’re still not comfortable sharing, I can take the sofa instead - ”

“Don’t be ridiculous, darling, I’m not letting you go to the BAFTAs with a backache.” But even as she says it, she can feel the panic settling in her chest. “We’ll just share, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? I really don’t mind taking the couch, you know,” he says again.

“It’s alright, darling. I promise,” she assures him. “Let’s go - I’m dying for a nap.”

The lift doors open and Alex tries not to gasp in shock when a tall, slender woman steps out. Of course,  _ of course  _ Jasmine  _ fucking  _ Sanders will be staying in the same hotel as them.

By pure instinct, she looks at Matt, who smiles at her reassuringly and reaches for her hand, lacing their hands together. Jasmine catches sight of that action almost immediately and makes a small noise in the back of her throat - almost like a scoff - before approaching them with a bright smile pasted on her pretty face.

“It’s so nice to see you, Matt.” Jasmine turns her eyes to Alex, her voice less friendly as she greets her. “Alex.”

“It’s good to see you too, Jaz,” Matt says, smiling at the girl, no hint of hate or ill-emotion towards her. 

“We should have dinner together later,” Jasmine suggests, and Alex can  _ feel _ the dread and trepidation creeping up her spine already. “It’ll be fun! I’ll bring Richardson - it can be like a double date, and we can all catch up! I feel like we haven’t had a chance to talk to each other at all this award season.”

“Well, you know how busy it can get,” Matt says. “As for dinner - well, we were kind of hoping to get some rest - ”

Matt starts talking uncertainly, looking between Jasmine and Alex like he has no idea what to do.

“We’ll be there,” Alex cuts in, and Jasmine actually meets her eyes this time.

“Great! See you at eight sharp, yeah? Meet us at the fountain outside the restaurant,” she says, flashing both of them a dazzling smile before sauntering away.

Alex doesn’t look at Matt as she enters the elevator and presses the button. They’re alone, and Alex braces herself for the discussion that’s sure to come as soon as the doors slide closed. 

“Why did you agree?” he says, a little upset. 

“She clearly wants to speak to you, Matt,” she replies calmly, still facing the elevator doors. “And I know you haven’t been answering her calls.”

“That’s because  _ I _ don’t want to talk to  _ her _ ,” he stresses, exhaling loudly. “She’s my ex, Alex - I have nothing to say to her.”

“She clearly has something to say to you.”

“Well, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Then why haven’t you deleted her number, or her pictures?” she demands, looking him straight in the eye, her nostrils flaring slightly at all the emotions she’s letting out. “Was it even a coincidence that we’re in the same hotel, or is it part of some stupid plan you’ve got cooked up?”

“Of course it’s a bloody coincidence, Alex, I -” But his argument is interrupted by the sharp  _ ding  _ of the elevator as it announces their arrival to the correct floor. 

Alex flees past him, resolutely looking away. She stops abruptly in front of their room, swiping the key card a little more aggressively than necessary and waiting for the familiar  _ buzz _ and  _ click _ as the door unlocks. 

She enters and heads straight for the bathroom, leaving Matt to shut the door behind him as he kicks his shoes off. 

“What reason do I have to see Jasmine?” he demands, not caring that she’s resolutely turning her back on him - she  _ will _ listen. “You think I  _ want  _ to be in the same hotel as her? For God’s sake, Alex, I wasn’t even the one in charge of accommodation - I just do whatever they bloody well tell me to do, even if it turns out that I’m staying in the same hotel as my ex!”

He breathes hard through his nostrils as he watches her remove her jewelry too calmly, her expression empty except for the tiny purse in her lips. “ _ You  _ were the one who agreed to a sodding  _ dinner _ with her.”

Alex removes the last of her jewelry - a chunky earring - before taking a deep breath and turning around to face Matt. 

“You are not done with her, Matt. And don’t try to deny it,” she adds, when Matt opens his mouth furiously to retort. “You have been thinking of answering her calls, wondering what she has to say. You’ll regret it if you don’t find out.”

“I won’t - ”

“Yes, you will,” Alex cuts him off firmly, her eyes sharp and serious as she stares at him. “You need closure. And she needs it too, no matter if what you have to say to her isn’t something she necessarily wants to hear.”

Matt stares dumbfounded at the back of Alex’s floral sundress, wondering what he’s supposed to say to her. He doesn’t want to see Jasmine - he would rather order room service and watch mindless telly with Alex. He wants a way to connect with her - to tell her that it doesn’t matter if he never gets closure from Jasmine, as long as he has her by his side. 

“I’m only going because you’re coming with me,” Matt says stubbornly, and Alex tries very hard not to let her sigh of frustration be heard. Matt looks at her, eyes sad as he takes her in. “When are you ever going to let yourself be free when we’re alone?”

Alex tenses up immediately, her body freezing in place before she slowly looks up at him. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugs, a hopeless expression on his face as he sits down on the bed, tugging his socks off irritably. “It means it doesn’t matter how many times I tell you that it’s okay to open up to me. You just - you close yourself off and lick your wounds in private even though you don’t have to.” He throws his socks aside and turns fully to face her, hands on his hips. “But it doesn’t matter that I’m right here because you wouldn’t have me anyway, would you?”

Alex inhales sharply and stands from the vanity, facing him too. When they first arrived here, she’d been looking forward to a nice, quiet, long nap but now she can’t stand to be in the same room as him, let alone be expected to sleep in the same bed as him.

“Have you ever considered that the world doesn’t revolve around  _ you _ ?” she asks coldly, and even he seems to be taken aback by the icy tone of her voice. “Have you ever considered that maybe I  _ lick my wounds in private _ because I’m ashamed of how they leave scars on my body? Don’t pretend that you’ve been trying to help me, Matthew. You said it yourself - you’re proud, and you’re selfish, and you clearly can’t handle it when a woman rejects you.”

She turns on her heel and slams the door behind her, leaving Matt alone with nothing but his thoughts and her words echoing in his brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Don’t forget to let me know what you think in the comments - even if it’s just an emoji. I love reading your thoughts!!!


	6. i’m so scared to fall in love but if it’s you then i’ll try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been two hours since their row and one of the major differences in fighting with Alex than with Jasmine is that he’s so anxious for her to forgive him. He would gladly throw himself at her feet and be her humble servant for the rest of his days if it meant that she’d stop being mad at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii! I’m updating this quicker than i planned because i’m in between jobs now and i have a little time on my hands :) the last chapter is done already but i’m not sure when i’ll be posting quite yet. It won’t be more than two weeks, though.   
And thank you so so much for all the lovely comments and kudos and just the love in general. It makes me so happy that so many of you are enjoying this silly little thing i came up with in my head. So thank you so so much and please keep it coming <333  
Chapter title from ‘It’s You’ by Ali Gatie

It goes to voicemail for the eighteenth time.

He’s worried. He can’t find her anywhere and if anything happens to her, it’ll be all his fault because  _ he _ was the one who picked a fight with her - he was petty and stupid and upset that she’d forced his hand on having dinner with Jasmine, but he never thought it would lead to this. 

“Alex, you’ve got to call me back, I’m getting worried,” Matt says seriously into the phone, anxiously pacing the length of the room as he speaks. “I’m really sorry. I - I’ll go to dinner with Jasmine and Richardson, if that’s what you want. I’ll tell them you’re feeling under the weather and - I don’t know - just please, come back. I won’t be able to sleep tonight without at least knowing you’re alright.”

He hangs up and stares at the screen of his phone for a moment, sighing. This wasn’t at all how it was supposed to go. Alex was supposed to be quietly charmed by him - not annoyed and angry. He never imagined that a fight while they weren’t yet sure how to define their relationship could hurt so much, but it does. It stings, and the worst part is that he isn’t even sure - does Alex still want to talk things through after the BAFTAs?

He brushes a hand through his hair and shuts his eyes, trying not to let his heart jump to any conclusions now. He knows that he loves Alex - that much is all he has going forward. With regards to how Alex feels for him - well, he’ll just have to wait to find out. 

It’s been two hours since their row and one of the major differences in fighting with Alex than with Jasmine is that he’s so anxious for her to forgive him. He would gladly throw himself at her feet and be her humble servant for the rest of his days if it meant that she’d stop being mad at him. 

It certainly hadn’t been that way with Jasmine. Whenever they fought, he  _ needed _ the time to cool down - if he tried to force down the anger anyway, it would only backfire into an even more explosive argument between them. He never felt the need to beg for her forgiveness - he never felt this clingy or needy, and he certainly never tried to call Jasmine nearly twenty times when he knew she was mad at him.

Checking his phone one last time to be sure that Alex isn’t calling or texting back, he exits the hotel room just in time to meet Jasmine and Richardson for dinner. 

He feels dread and the strong desire to just stand them up for dinner threatening to overwhelm him, but he shakes his head to rid himself of the thoughts. He can’t skip this. He needs to prove to Alex that Jasmine doesn’t matter to him anymore - no one matters to him as much as Alex. 

“Matty, we’re over here!” Jasmine’s voice floats over to him almost immediately as the elevator door opens, and Matt spots her as well as Richardson, who looks almost as comfortable as Matt feels about the entire situation. “We’ve got uh - where’s Alex?”

Matt makes his way over to her and tries to fake an apologetic smile, but his whole body is protesting being here right now, and it comes out as more of a grimace. “Alex is resting in the room,” he lies easily. “She’s feeling under the weather at the moment, and she says she’s so sorry to be missing dinner with both of you.”

“Oh, that’s too bad, the poor darling,” Jasmine says sympathetically, and Matt can’t tell if she’s being genuine or not. “I did think that she looked a bit pale at the Oscars. Oh well, just the three of us, then.”

Jasmine turns her back on both of them to speak with the server. Richardson gives Matt an awkward smile in greeting. 

“I do hope Alex feels better in time for tomorrow,” he says politely. 

“Oh, she will be, don’t worry,” Matt says, trying to maintain a friendly tone of voice. If he’s going to get through the entire dinner without tying the napkin around his neck and choking himself, he’s going to have to at least try to keep it civil between them. “Alex always does know how to bounce back quickly.”

The server leads them to their table and leaves them with the menu. The first few moments are silent and awkward - full of eyes watching each other from above the open menu and quiet nudging on Jasmine’s part to start a conversation, until finally Richardson coughs loudly. 

“So, Matt, have you got any plans for this year? Any jobs lined up yet?” he asks, and Jasmine gives him a little approving nod that he doesn’t notice. 

“Oh, um - nothing set in stone just yet,” Matt says vaguely. “Just a few offers for plays here and there - I might do one of them since Alex will be here as well, but who knows?”

“That’s funny. I never knew you were interested in theater, Matty,” Jasmine says, raising an eyebrow at him.

Matt shrugs. “All Brit actors start on stage. It’s home - where we started before we went big.”

“Right,” she says, but she has a look in her eye that she gets when she’s connecting some dots, and Matt can’t help but think that it spells nothing but trouble for him.

“Jasmine tells me you’re also interested in directing,” Richardson says conversationally, not at all picking up on the sudden shift in energy between his girlfriend and Matt. 

Matt turns back to Richardson, smiling warmly but keeping the corner of his eye trained on Jasmine. 

“Well… if the opportunity arises, I’d love to give it a proper shot,” Matt answers, warming up to the other man quickly. “I’ve only done a handful of indie movies so far - nothing too big - but I’d love to get my hands on a full production. Big cast, crew, budget - and an amazing script, of course.”

Richardson nods along, listening attentively, but before he can reply, the server comes back to take their order.

“It’s a shame Alex couldn’t join us,” Richardson says, picking up his glass of red wine a few moments later. “I hear the food here is fantastic.”

“Sweetheart, you know some women can’t eat before award shows,” Jasmine says matter-of-factly, and Matt raises an eyebrow at her. “It’s a fact - for some women, the fat shows really quickly after eating. Imagine what it would be like for poor Alex if she couldn’t fit in her dress tomorrow!”

“Jasmine,” Richardson says, frowning a little in disapproval at her.

She stares back at her boyfriend, widening her eyes innocently. “What? I wanted to tell her, you know - at the SAG Awards last week, we went to the same afterparty, and honestly, that dress was doing  _ nothing _ for her arm flab. Really.”

“How many glasses have you had already, Jasmine?” Richardson asks, his tone getting more and more annoyed at her - and bless him, he tries to shoot Matt apologetic glances as he talks to Jasmine, but Matt manages a tense smile and shakes his head to let him know that it’s fine.

Then Jasmine shoots a discreet look at Matt that tells him just what she’s about to do - she turns to Richard and gives him her trademark smile that used to charm the pants off of Matt. Recognising this as a tactic to get her and Matt alone, he tries to make eye contact with Richard to signal to the man - but it doesn’t work. 

“Could you please go and see what’s taking the steaks so long, honey? I’m starving,” Jasmine asks Richardson, batting her eyelashes at him prettily. “Pretty please?”

“Be nice,” Matt hears Richardson warn Jasmine under his breath as he stands to leave. 

Now alone with his ex-girlfriend for the first time in two months, Matt rather wishes he was anywhere else other than here. Her arms are folded with that purposeful look on her face and Matt knows that this was what she was planning for all along - to have him alone with just her.

“What is it, Jasmine?” he asks tiredly, because he’s just so  _ weary _ of running away from her. He’d clearly underestimated the determination of his ex-girlfriend. 

“Were you with Alex while you were with me?” she asks casually - so casually, in fact, that he has to be sure he heard right.

_ “What?” _

“You heard me,” she says, raising an eyebrow expectantly. “Were you?”

“No. I wasn’t,” Matt says firmly. “Jesus, Jaz - before January I hadn’t seen Alex in almost eight months.”

“Then why now?” she demands. “Why  _ her? _ Of all the people you could’ve had, Matt - why her?”

“Does that even matter? Or do you just want to know why it isn’t  _ you _ ?” Matt asks her pointedly. 

She freezes, looking up at him with scrutinising eyes. “You chose her and made me look like a bloody fool, Matt. What the hell does she have that I don’t?”

“First of all - subtlety. And you were with Dintworth first,” Matt says quietly, refusing to rise to the bait and lose his temper. “If anyone’s been made a fool between the two of us, it’s  _ me _ .”

“Seriously? You pick a woman almost thirty years my senior to be your rebound and  _ you’re _ the fool?” Jasmine scoffs. “The entire world is  _ fawning  _ over both of you while I get dragged through the mud for not being enough for someone like you.”

“She’s not a rebound from you; don’t flatter yourself,” Matt says coldly. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Jasmine rolls her eyes. “Am I supposed to believe that you’re actually in love with her? Please, Matt. Don’t be daft.”

“And what do you believe? That I’m in love with  _ you _ ?” Matt asks her incredulously.

Jasmine scoffs. “ _ You _ can’t love anyone. You’re too self-centered to put anyone else’s needs before your own. Our relationship was proof of that.”

“The only thing our relationship proved is that no matter how hard we try, some people just aren’t right for each other,” Matt tells her honestly, pushing his chair backwards and deciding that he’s listened to enough tonight. Before he leaves, he looks her in the eye one last time. “Don’t call or text me anymore. I mean it, Jasmine. I’m in your past, and you’ve got a great guy - it isn’t fair to him. So don’t try to wrestle yourself into my future and focus on yours.”

“What, your  _ future _ with Alex?” she retorts back, and now Matt knows that she’s just being petty and mean because he told her to stay away from him, but he can’t help himself. “She won’t be good enough for you. I tried to tell her to stay away from you, you know. But she was too stubborn to listen to me. I guess she likes being in the limelight too much. Do you think she’s with you because she  _ actually _ loves you, or do you think those West End roles she’s been offered has something to do with it?”

Matt feels like laughing in her face at her really uninformed attempt to taunt him - oh, if only she knew just how wrong she was. 

“You really don’t know shit about Alex, do you?” Matt says simply, tilting his head and fishing his wallet from his pocket. He takes out a couple of bills and places them next to his empty glass of whiskey, smiling one last time at the dumbfounded look on her face before turning to leave. “Goodbye, Jaz.”

He runs into Richardson on his way out and makes up some quick excuse for leaving early, but he makes sure to give the other man a friendly clap on the back and a bright smile farewell. Despite the circumstances in which they came to know each other, Matt senses that Richardson really is a nice, genuine man.

He’s outside the elevator, and he’s just about to plunge his hand into his pocket to check if maybe Alex has replied yet, when a soft voice calls out his name from a few feet away. He turns and spots Alex, still wearing the same sundress she’d worn on the flight, a coat around her shoulders, and her hair windswept, no doubt from the breeze that plagues the country around this time of the year. 

“Alex,” he breathes softly, because even now he can’t quite believe how mesmerizingly beautiful she is, and how he’d never noticed it before. “You’re okay.”

“I got your voicemails,” she says, approaching him hesitantly. There are people looking at them from the corner of their eyes, so Alex takes his hand and steps into the lift. 

The doors slide shut and she lets go immediately, making him swallow nervously as he watches her fingers fidget with each other.

“I - I was going to look for you at the restaurant,” she explains quietly, looking straight at the doors and not at him. “I’m sorry to have worried you.”

His throat feels entirely too clogged with emotion when he tries to reply. “It’s alright.”

“I take it that dinner didn’t go very well?” she asks tentatively.

He shakes his head. “No, it didn’t.”

She sighs. “I’m sorry. I - I thought things would change once you knew that Jasmine still loves you. But I shouldn’t have made you go in the first place. You’re an adult and you can make your own decisions.”

“It’s alright,” he says softly, wishing he could touch her or kiss her. Now that she’s here, nothing else matters - he feels himself letting go of every intense feeling he’s held onto since dinner with his ex, and he just wants to crawl under the covers and hold Alex until they fall asleep. “I’m just glad we’re not fighting anymore.”

Alex nods in agreement. “And I - I didn’t mean what I said. You’re not proud or selfish or - ”

“We both know that I can be a ruddy arse sometimes,” he says, waving off her apology. “For what it’s worth, I didn’t mean it either. I know you’ve got your reasons for keeping to yourself and I shouldn’t have mentioned anything. You don’t owe it to me to be open just because I want you to be.”

Alex opens her mouth to reply, but the lift  _ dings _ and the door slides open, revealing the empty hallway. They walk in silence to their room, both aware of the other’s presence, wondering what the other is thinking.

Matt thinks back to their fight, what she’d said before she stormed out of the room -  _ you clearly can’t handle it when a woman rejects you. _ Had that been her rejection? Had she meant it, or was it said in the heat of the moment?

Alex sits at the vanity, placing her large purse on top of it before turning sideways to look at Matt sitting on the corner of the bed closest to her.

“I haven’t had to be open to anyone in years,” she starts, looking at him in the eye and he knows - now, she needs him to listen. “The last time I did this was over two years ago. And God, it’s been so much longer than that since a man has actively tried to be with me for anything other than just sex. And you… you are so wonderful, darling. An absolute dream, and any girl would be lucky to have you. But it isn’t because you’re too young for me, or that I swore actors off twenty years ago. It isn’t even because I don’t know if I’ll be enough for you.”

She pauses for a moment, sighing heavily and pushing her hand through her curls. Matt can see that she’s putting a lot of thought into what she has to say - and that it’s difficult for her to voice it out. He remains silent, though, waiting patiently for her to continue.

“I’m just scared,” she admits finally, looking down at her knees. “I make mistakes and I drive people away - and I can’t let that happen another time.”

Matt feels a surge of elation and sadness in equal measure at her confession. She blinks rapidly, and he knows she’s trying to keep tears at bay. 

“Even now, I can already feel myself falling,” she continues quietly. Her head lifts and she looks at him, her eyes filled with tears but her lips turned upwards into a slight smile. “You’re quite difficult to resist.”

“What do you need?” he asks her, trying not to let the desperation he feels show. Now that he knows how she feels, he needs to know what to do about it. “What do you need me to say for me to prove that we’re worth it?”

“l… l don’t know,” she says truthfully, and Matt feels his heart sink in disappointment. “I’m sorry - I know it’s frustrating but I -” 

“No, don’t apologise. It’s not your fault,” Matt says, reaching out to take her hand. She lets him, and he brings it to his lips softly. “I’m going to show you.”

She blinks at him, her expression soft as she tilts her head questioningly and smiles at him. “Show me what?”

He smiles at her, his other hand reaching out to caress her cheek softly. She smiles warmly at him, turning her nose towards his palm and closing her eyes in content. When she opens her eyes again, Matt is looking at her with the most gentle, tender gaze that makes her heart melt.

“How loved you are,” he whispers softly to her.

She curls her fingers into his hand, tugging him closer to her. He follows, standing from the bed to kneel down in front of her and look up at her face so lovingly that she feels emotions clogging her throat and clouding her eyes. She smiles softly, placing a hand on his cheek, a thumb swiping just under his eye softly. She places her forehead on his, letting out a shaky breath as she closes her eyes and relishes this quiet, tender moment between them.

“You make it too easy for me to fall for you,” she breathes quietly, leaning in closer to him. 

“Good, because I fell for you a long time ago,” he answers back, letting go of her hands to cradle her face gently. “I will do everything I can so that you won’t be afraid. I want you to know that - I won’t hold back. Someday, I want you to love me fearlessly.”

“You’re well on your way to that day, darling,” she whispers, before finally closing the gap between their lips.

The kiss is sweet and slow, both of them savouring each other. It is blissful and perfect and everything that Matt has ever wanted - for him to be able to kiss her like this and for her to know that he  _ means  _ it with all his heart.

She pulls away first, breaking the kiss softly. The smile on her face - warm and bright - it makes his heart fill to the brim with joy. It makes him wish he could keep that smile in a jar so that he can pull it out whenever he needs. It makes him wish he’ll be the only one receiving that smile for the rest of time. 

*

Matt wakes up with his arms around Alex and her head buried in his chest. Their legs are entangled intimately and he feels so damn  _ happy _ he could screech with joy. No one makes him feel this way - not anyone but Alex. 

Last night was so perfect. After realising that they both hadn’t eaten dinner, Alex had suggested room service and telly, and he’d been too happy to object to that.

They talked about the BAFTAs, how excited she was for him, and how he’d celebrate if he won. When the food arrived, they settled into such an easy rhythm with each other - it almost scared him. How had he not noticed how well they were together before? It felt like finally knowing his soulmate - the love of his life.

He could tell in the way she acted that she could feel it too. Every intimate gesture seemed so gentle and full of emotion that it couldn’t be mistaken for anything but love. 

They fell asleep holding each other. The entire night had been bliss, but this part - it was pure perfection. Whispering quietly to Alex, running his fingers tenderly through her hair as he talked, her arms wrapped around his abdomen and stroking his back lightly - he’d dreamt of holding Alex like that over a thousand times in the last two months. And it was finally happening.

He lays quietly, listening to Alex’s evened breaths as she sleeps, savouring the moment before it was over. He knows that after breakfast, he won’t see Alex until both of them catch their ride to the BAFTAs. He’d tried to negotiate for lunch last night but she was adamant, claiming that her stylist would have her head if she was late for anything.

The shrill ringing of his phone interrupts their peaceful bubble, and though he tries to answer as quietly as possible without disturbing Alex, he knows it’s futile. Alex is already stirring and Matt sighs in disappointment, wishing he could’ve extended their quiet morning a little longer. 

“Hello?” He asks, answering his phone as Alex starts to lift her head from his chest.

“Hi, Matt,” his assistant, Sheila, greets him on the other end. He can tell from her voice and the way that it’s higher than usual that she’s extremely nervous, and his heart sinks. “There’s been a bit of - well, I wouldn’t really call it a  _ problem _ , per se - it’s more of a… complication? I don’t really -”

“Sheila, please get on with it,” Matt says impatiently. 

“Right. Sorry,” she apologises quickly. “Well I’ve just heard word that Ralph Fiennes will be attending the BAFTAs this evening - I don’t know if he’s bringing anyone, but -”

“He’ll  _ definitely _ be there?” Matt asks seriously, glancing at a still sleepy Alex on the other side of the bed. “Without question?”

“Yes,” Sheila says regretfully, and Matt shuts his eyes as he sighs. “We knew he’s been nominated for the same award as you, Matt. He hasn’t showed up to the BAFTAs for the past few years, so we assumed he wouldn’t come this year either, but - I don’t really -”

“Thanks for telling me, Sheila,” Matt says.

“I’ve also let his people know that we’ll be doing everything we can to prevent Ms Kingston from meeting him there. There’ll be hundreds of people, so hopefully that’s enough to keep them apart,” Sheila adds. “You’ll have to do me a big favour, though.”

“What is it?” Matt asks, slightly concerned. 

“You’ll have to be the one to inform Ms Kingston,” Sheila says hesitantly, and as though she expects him to disagree, she rushes to explain herself. “Given the situation and your involvement, we think it’s best if you’re the one to let her know what she could be facing.”

Matt sighs heavily and takes a moment, sitting up on his bed.

“Yeah, I’ll do it,” he agrees heavily, though he hates that he’ll have to be the one to break the news.

“Alright. Take care,” she says. “And remember that the car will be picking you up at half-past-five sharp. Bye!”

“What was that?” Alex asks, still not fully awake yet.

He turns back to her and watches her yawn a little, stretching her arms high above her head.

“It was Sheila.”

“Something wrong?”

“Well, yeah, a bit.” Matt sighs, leaning back against the headboard so he can look at her properly. “I have to tell you something.”

Her face immediately changes into a blank expression, and he realises that she’s putting her guard back up.

“It’s not about yesterday or anything,” he rushes to reassure her, but she still looks wary. “I’m just not sure how you’ll react - it’s delicate.”

“Darling, this isn’t helping. You’re making me very nervous,” she says, her tone laced with worry. 

“Sorry,” he apologises, before deciding that he shouldn’t beat around the bush any longer. “Sheila just told me that your first ex-husband will be attending the BAFTAs.”

Alex’s face remains expressionless for a moment before she looks down at her lap, and Matt can see a little crinkle appear at her forehead. 

“Sheila said that we’ve informed his people to stay away,” he continues, wanting to reassure her as best as possible. “And that they’ll be doing whatever they can to make sure that you never get within range of each other. We’ll just continue sticking together, you won’t even know he’s there.”

“He’s nominated, isn’t he?” she asks quietly. She doesn’t look up from her lap. “Best Actor. Same as you.”

Matt nods, not sure what to say in response.

“I… if you’d rather not go at all, I understand,” he offers, but Alex doesn’t look like she’s listening. “Alex?”

She looks up finally, catching Matt’s eyes. She smiles and takes his hand, patting it comfortingly. 

“No, I’ll be fine,” she says confidently, and though Matt has no idea what’s going through her mind, he can’t help but beam proudly back at her. “I have you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe i’m so close to a hundred comments! That’s so fantastic, let’s keep it coming!! As usual, even if it’s to leave a gif or emoji or a keyboard smash, i’ll totally love any and all comments from you guys. Thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed it!!


	7. if i’m ever gonna fall in love, i know it’s gonna be you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tis the end!!! i might come back to tweak how i wrote ralph cuz i dont really like how it is now, but i really wanted to get this last chapter out. so thank you very very much for all the comments and the kudos and everything else so far, it’s so nice that so many of you like this silly story. till the next time!!
> 
> Chapter title from It’s You by Ali Gatie

He can tell by the way that Alex hangs onto his arm just a little too tightly than normal that bumping into her ex is a possibility that’s still fresh on her mind. He tried calming her down in the car with champagne, but she still seems too distracted. He also tried to take her mind off of what’s bothering her by just chatting about everything and anything, but it only seemed to work for a little while. The moment the car stopped in front of the venue, a shadow fell onto her face and no amount of flashing lights or fancy spotlights could persuade it to leave. 

Alex briefly lets him go for his solo photos and interviews, waiting in the corner for him so that they can head into the venue and find their seats together. She rather hopes that they’ve arrived earlier than Fiennes, though there isn’t a way to know for sure. 

She hasn’t seen or made eye contact with her first ex-husband in over a decade - she intends to keep it that way. Though she knows that she’s entirely content with her life now - with her career and her daughter and now with Matt - she just hates what the mere sight of her ex can do to her. He’s a part of her life that she would like to keep in the past - the reason she’s scared of this  _ thing _ with Matt in the present. 

She’d been insecure, unhappy, desperately hanging onto their marriage, only thinking of him despite the fact that he only so rarely spared a thought for her. She deserved better, and she regretted that it took so long for her to realise it. By then, it was too late. The damage was done. 

“You look beautiful, Alex,” a soft, silky voice says from behind her, and Alex feels a chill run down her spine at the familiar voice. 

Alex takes a moment to decide if she should just ignore it - but they’re in front of dozens and dozens of photographers and reporters, and she really doesn’t feel like being a meal for the hungry tabloids if Ralph chooses to make a scene. Sighing slightly, she turns her head towards where Sheila is standing, the younger woman looking at her anxiously and apologetically. 

_ So much for doing everything they can,  _ Alex thinks bitterly, even as she shoots Sheila a reassuring smile. 

“Ralph,” she greets simply, turning around to face him. He smirks down at her, and Alex  _ hates _ how nothing has changed in the last two decades. He still thinks he’s better than her.

“Is that all you have to say to me?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at her as she tries hard not to roll her eyes. “Not even a ‘how’ve you been’?”

“I only ask that question to people I care about,” Alex says, tilting her head at him. 

He laughs, shaking his head like she just told a funny joke.

“You haven’t changed at all,” he says, almost  _ endearingly _ , and she feels her blood boiling at the sheer audacity of this man. 

But she refuses to show it, smiling calmly at him as she replies, “You wouldn’t know if I have.”

“Wouldn’t I?” he says, his eyes glinting and his smirk widening maliciously. “Twenty-odd years later and here you are, clinging to the coattails of a young star you know you don’t deserve. I’d say that you certainly haven’t changed, Alex.”

“Alex, love?” Matt says, interrupting the conversation. He doesn’t spare a glance at the other man. “You alright?”

“She’s just fine,” Ralph answers before Alex can even open her mouth.

Matt only turns to lock eyes with him for a second, his face expressionless, before turning back to Alex again. She gives him a weak smile and nods.

“Don’t compare yourself to Matt,” she says quietly, turning back to Ralph. “You don’t have half the heart he does.”

Without waiting for a reply, she takes Matt’s hand and lets him lead her into the venue. They don’t speak until an usher shows them their seats and they settle down quietly.

“I’m so sorry,” Matt apologises as soon as they sit down. “I couldn’t shake the interviewer and the moment I saw him with you, I -”

“It’s alright, darling, really,” she says, though she still looks unnerved by their interaction. “I knew it was going to happen eventually. I just… I wasn’t prepared to feel so… small.”

“You’re not,” Matt says immediately, squeezing her hand in his. Alex manages a fond smile for him. “You’re brilliant and amazing and beautiful. And I’m so  _ proud _ of you for facing him, I know that it must’ve been difficult for you.”

“I hate what I become when I see him,” she confesses, sighing softly. “He fills me with so much anger and hatred and misery and I just - I fucking hate all of it.”

“I know,” he presses a kiss to her hand. “But you were so brave and strong. I love your face so much.”

She smiles warmly at him. “I love your face too, darling.”

He smiles back at her, bright and joyful, and he surges forward to press a kiss to her lips. He kisses her softly and slowly, trying to wordlessly convey just how amazing she is and how much he loves her. 

He pulls away gently and she presses her forehead into his. 

“He’s wrong,” he whispers.

“Hmm?”

“I heard what he said right before I came over. And he’s wrong,” Matt explains. “He’s the one who doesn’t deserve you, not the other way round. And I don’t deserve you either.”

“Darling, don’t be ridiculous,” she says, shaking her head incredulously. “Of course you do.”

He shrugs. “Only the most perfect man alive deserves you.”

“It’s a shame he doesn’t exist, then,” she says dryly. “Besides, I have no problem settling for second best.”

*

“And the BAFTA Award for the Best Actor goes to…"

It’s hard not to be hopeful at award shows, Matt knows from experience - but after three award shows he’s consistently lost out to someone else, he’s content to just lay back and enjoy the show. The only thing he  _ really  _ hopes for is that he doesn’t lose out to Ralph because that would really sting for him. 

“… Matt Smith!”

There’s half a second where he remains in his seat, stunned and confused, the realisation that he’s actually  _ won  _ not yet sinking in- until Alex turns to him with the widest smile he’s ever seen.

“Darling, congratulations!” she shouts over the applause, standing up as he does too. “Oh, I’m so proud of you, darling, you -”

But she doesn’t get to finish her sentence before he pulls her in for a deep, passionate kiss, hugging her tightly to him. Soon, he has to breathe again and he pulls away, pressing another small kiss to her nose before running up on stage and accepting the award.

“God, thank you so, so much,” he starts, his heart pounding in his chest and excitement coursing through his veins. He looks out at the crowd, panic starting to settle in because he hasn’t actually prepared  _ anything  _ and the silence is starting to become awkward. “Sorry - I didn’t think I’d actually win and I don’t have anything prepared -” He pulls away from the microphone, muttering “ _ shit _ ” under his breath. “Uh - right, thank you so much to my parents, who always supported me. Thank you to the director of the film, Kenneth Jackson, for constantly pushing us and encouraging us to try different approaches to the roles we had. Thank you to my agent, Michael, who said I’d be the most foolish man alive to turn down the role.”

He looks down at the actual award he’s holding and back out towards the crowd, the anxiety returning as his mind scrambles to remember if he needs to thank anyone else. His eyes scour the room in search of some reminder, a sea of pretty faces - until he finds a shining face in the crowd. His Alex. 

She has the broadest grin on her face and her eyes are wet, and she’s looking at him with so much pride and love that the next thing he knows, words are tumbling out of his mouth quite without his permission.

“And thank you so much to my love, Alex, who has been there - really, since the beginning. She is the strongest, kindest person I know despite everything, and every day she reminds me just how lucky I am to have her by my side. I love you so much, sweetheart. Thank you.”

He blows a kiss to Alex, waves at the crowd and goes off backstage, where another usher leads him back to seat. He slides in next to Alex, who looks at him with such fondness and exasperation, and he can’t help the huge grin that covers his face.

“Your parents will be so cross that you talked more about me than about them,” she mutters, looking towards the stage and not making eye contact.

“Eh, they’ll be alright,” Matt shrugs lightly, the idiotic grin on his face not dimming in the slightest. He leans in closer to whisper in her ear. “Besides, I don’t love their faces as much as I love yours.”

*

“Darling, you won,” she says, her eyes still sparkling with pride and elation. “We should celebrate for a little while, don’t you think?”

Matt is still feeling a bit giddy from receiving the award - having beaten so many others more accomplished for it. He’s been pulled aside on the way to their car for multiple interviews and Alex had been more than happy to stop and wait as he answered questions, her smile lighting up the whole room despite the flashing cameras. 

The plan had been to leave the BAFTAs, go straight to the hotel and have their talk, but now that they’re actually in the car, Matt feels so much leftover adrenaline rushing through his veins that he doubts he would be able to stay still enough to have that very important conversation with Alex.

“Yes, but we’ll have to make it quick,” he agrees easily. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about the deal we made yesterday.”

Alex rolls her eyes but says nothing, sitting back on the seat and staring out the window. Matt takes a moment to her long, layered gown fitting her curves and the low neckline that allows for the view of her beautiful cleavage, and her hair that is free, in all its glory, and the ridiculously sexy pair of strappy black heels. This is the most relaxed he’s seen her look all evening and he can’t resist slipping his phone out of his pocket and snapping a photo of her. 

When they reach the venue for the after party, it is already in full swing - there are countless celebrities everywhere in the fancy mansion, in various states of inebriation, dancing and playing games and mingling together. Alex immediately heads for the bar and Matt tells her to save a seat for him. 

“I just need the gents for a moment,” he tells her quietly, and she nods in understanding.

He finds his way through the thick crowd and finally locates the loo, exhaling in relief when he notices that it’s empty. Getting out, however, he sees a familiar face that makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

Ralph Fiennes is at this party. And he’s heading straight for the bar.

In a moment of panic, Matt almost causes several people to crash against walls or drop their drinks as he makes a beeline for Alex. The sentiment she’s made about Fiennes before the show starts echoing in his head, only serving to make his already panicked state heighten even further:  _ I hate what I become when I see him.  _

Matt swerves wildly, avoiding people and ignoring those who call out to him - he can’t let him get to Alex - not today, not ever again.

He makes a sharp turn into the drinks area and he sees Alex, nursing a drink alone. Looking around in bewilderment and wondering if he’s had one too many drinks tonight and simply imagined seeing Fiennes here, he starts to make his way to Alex. A hand on his shoulder stops him. 

“Mr Smith,” a smooth voice drawls from behind him. “I don’t believe we’ve been formally introduced.”

Matt turns to face him. “Believe me, I know who you are.”

“Congratulations on your award, young man,” he says, a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes plastered on his face. “I’ve seen your film. It’s very well deserved.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Matt answers cordially, though he does not smile or initiate any physical contact with the other man.

Fiennes seems to pick up on the hostility that Matt is showing, because he sighs in a resigned sort of way, his eyes darting to something Matt cannot see and he just  _ knows _ that he’s looking at Alex.

“Listen, Smith,” he says in a friendly tone, placing a hand on Matt’s shoulder and clearly attempting to establish some rapport between them. “I know what it’s like to be in your shoes. You need to know that it’s okay to put yourself first - don’t let Alex talk you into something you don’t want.”

Matt narrows his eyes almost dangerously. “Excuse me?”

“I feel… man to man, alright,” he continues, not noticing the look of disgust that is Matt is throwing him. “I have known Alex for decades longer than you have. I’ve spent much more time with her than you have and I  _ know _ her. She wants  _ everything _ . You’re a young chap with an amazing path ahead of you - you can’t give yourself  _ and _ her everything you have to offer.”

“And is that so difficult?” Matt asks coldly. “Giving the woman you love everything she deserves?”

Fiennes frowns, as though he hadn’t thought about it that way. “I wouldn’t say she  _ deserved _ everything I could give her - in all honesty, she was quite difficult to love.” 

Matt has to clench his fists and force them by his side to stop himself from attacking the wretched bastard. Fuck, what a  _ fucking _ wanker. A total arsehole. A soul sucking, heartless, incredibly narcissistic scumbag.

Somehow, insulting the twat in his head eases the fire burning in his chest, if only for a little while.

“Thank you for that -” he struggles to find the right word to describe what exactly  _ that _ was, but in the end he settles for gesturing vaguely. He has a feeling  _ list of reasons why you’re the world’s biggest fucking prat _ won’t go over well. “I must get going -”

“Darling, I was wondering what was taking -” Alex stops abruptly when she realises who Matt is talking to, her grip on his shoulder tightening a little just like it had at the start of everything.

“Mr Fiennes was just congratulating me on my award,” Matt explains to her, and she smiles tightly as she nods. He takes her hand and strokes it reassuringly. “He was also kind enough to offer some - well,  _ words _ \- based on his experience.”

He feels Alex tensing up all over and he grips her hand tightly, not letting her pull away. 

“Mr Smith has taken my words to heart, I trust,” he says, smirking at Alex. He looks down at her and Matt loves how she hardens at the expression on her ex-husband’s face, refusing to let him think he has any power over her anymore. “I did warn you, Alex. You never listen.”

“Thank you,” Matt says to him.

He knows exactly when the mask Alex puts on cracks and he sees heartache and hurt, and immediately he pulls her hand towards his lips and presses a soft kiss on her skin. Ralph watches, his satisfied smirk slipping quickly from his face, replaced by confusion. Alex has a similar look on her face, only it’s filled with hope. Her gentle eyes meet his and he can’t stop the tender smile from spreading his lips, pulling her closer. 

“It’s okay,” he says to her, before turning to Ralph. “I’ve heard enough from Mr Fiennes. Let’s go back now.”

“I thought you were smarter than that, boy.” Ralph says, his voice entirely changed from forced politeness to a much colder, harder cadence. “She won’t be able to keep you satisfied for much longer.”

Matt pauses, licking his lips and hesitating on whether he should actually punch the other man’s nose off his face. The look on Alex’s face only fuels the hatred he feels towards him and he knows he should do something about it.

“Fuck off,” Matt says, and he knows it was entirely worth it to see the look on Ralph’s face. “Don’t talk about her like you still know her. That was decades ago and she knows she deserves better than a complete arse like you.”

“She deserves better, does she?” Ralph sneers, his beady eyes coming to rest on Alex.

“I certainly deserve actual orgasms, Ralph,” Alex says calmly, her expression unchanging as she blinks at him. Matt turns towards her, his mouth dropping open at her words. “And someone who lasts longer than thirty seconds.”

The expression on Ralph’s face changes into something Matt doesn’t recognise - but he seems to concede defeat, stepping backwards.

“Thank you,” Matt says sincerely to him. “Only a bloody fool would treat Alex the way you treated her. Your mistake gave me the woman I love. So thank you, but I don’t need any advice from the man who let the best woman get away.”

*

“Can we have that talk now?” Matt asks. 

Alex has been quiet ever since they’d marched away from Fiennes at the party. She’d stayed silent in the car, in the walk across the lobby and in the elevator. Matt could see the wheels turning in her head - it was quite unnerving to watch her so deep in thought that she paid no attention to anything else.

Now that they’re in private, he’s hoping that she’s had enough time to ponder over everything that’s happened and now, they can finally talk. 

“Darling?”

“Yes?”

“What did he say to you, exactly?” she asks, and she looks hesitant, as if she isn’t sure if she really wants to know. “What was the advice he gave you?”

“I wouldn’t really call it advice, Alex. And - really, I’m not sure I want to say it out loud,” Matt says honestly. “It isn’t worth repeating, trust me.”

“What made you say all those things to him?” she asks instead.

“Well, I couldn’t exactly beat him to a pulp and get arrested, could I?” he asks, shrugging and wondering why this matters so much to Alex. “So I tried to do it verbally - turned out to be more of a love letter to you than a verbal takedown for him, but I reckon it works both ways.”

Alex just stares at him for a moment. 

“He tried to talk you into leaving me, didn’t he?”

Matt sighs and looks down at his shoes, away from her. “Yeah.”

She stares at him for a moment, staying silent as she contemplates him.

“We’re not even really together yet,” she says softly, but her voice is cracking. He looks up and finds tears in her eyes, not yet escaped. “But the thought of you leaving terrifies me so much, I -” She breaks off, one tear escaping and trailing down her cheek. “I know you’re waiting for me. I know you’re waiting for the fear to pass but you need to know that that might never happen. I’ll have good days and I’ll have bad days and I need you to be patient.”

“I can do that,” he says, moving next to her. 

“I need you to  _ stay _ ,” she continues, looking up at him through wet eyelashes. “I need you to not give up easily because I - I know I can be a bit… difficult for some people.”

Matt hears the hesitation in her voice, the insecurity and vulnerability, and his heart aches for this amazing, brilliant, wonderful woman. The way she phrases her words sparks something in his mind:  _ in all honesty, she was quite difficult to love.  _

“Who told you that?” he asks almost angrily, startling Alex. 

“What?”

Seeing how much he scared her, he shakes his head and calms down, adjusting his tone when he asks her again.

“Who told you that, Alex?”

“Darling, no one had to,” she says softly, shrugging her shoulders a little helplessly. “It doesn’t exactly take a genius to figure it out.”

“Alex,” he says softly, turning to her and taking her face in his hands. “I know I already said this, I will show you how  _ absolutely _ loved you are. Not just by me - by your daughter, your friends, your family - people all over the world.”

She manages a weak smile at him.

“I love you, Alex,” he says to her. “I love your face and your arms and your neck and your shoulders -”

“Okay, okay,” she chuckles, shoving him lightly. “I get it.”

“I hope so,” he says seriously, stroking her cheek tenderly as he looks into her eyes. “Because if you let me, I plan on proving it to you.”

She remains silent for a while, her lips spreading into a sweet smile as her eyes moves over his face slowly. Her heart feels so full whenever he’s around - it’s been quite some time since anyone has made her feel so cherished. She leans forward, laying her head on his shoulder and burying her face into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent contentedly. 

There’s no denying how much of her heart this man has. And even better - he’s willing to have it and give her his own. It isn’t quite what she thought her ending would be, but it’s much better. 

_ So _ much better, she decides. 

“I love you too, Matt.” she whispers softly to him, her voice muffled by his skin. “I can’t help myself around you.”

He smiles, his hand moving up her sides slowly, reaching around her to envelop her into his arms. His heart thumps hard against his chest, an inexplicable joy washing over him - it’s almost euphoric. Alex is here and she’s giving him everything he’s ever wanted - it’s so hard for him to wrap his head around, that she wants him too; that she’s willing to give him a chance. 

He’ll do nothing but the best with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont forget to leave one last kudos/comment ;)


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